I have a number of long-distance partners; it’s one of the curses of the Internet. Meeting people online is a double-edged sword…while I have met many folks online who enrich my life and add value to it, the Internet lets us connect with people who may be a long distance away.

Fortunately, the Internet also offers us the ability to talk with people anywhere in the world, easily and effortlessly. And that means that it’s easy to talk about sex!

Cybersex is a lot of fun; the advent of instant messaging programs and global Internet means it’s easy to stay in touch with a lover who is a long distance away. It’s great if your partner is away on a trip, or is going to college in a distant town, or lives far away.

When you first get started with cybering, it’s normal to feel a little awkward. Some of that is performance pressure (“oh, no! I have to think of sexy things to say? What if I can’t think of anything?”). Some of it might be simply learning to talk openly about sex (“it feels awkward to describe sex acts in explicit detail”). Some of it is just the fact that anything new tends to feel uncomfortable at first, whether it’s getting on a bicycle for the first time or dipping your toes into some new sexual activity.

The key to good, fun, exciting cybersex is authenticity. I’m not talking about authenticity in the setting you create, mind you; not everyone cybers from the point of view of a secret agent in an exotic country, but some folks do, and that kind of storytelling can be a lot of fun. What I mean, instead, is authenticity in your reactions.

You don’t need to come up with elaborate storylines or complex characters in order to be good at cybering; instead, what you need to do is to talk about the way you would respond, and how the cybering is making you feel. It’s not necessarily about playing a role so much as it is about sharing what turns you on with your lover.

When people ask me about cybering, the most common question I hear is “What do I say?” To me, that’s the easy part: you say what you’re feeling. I’ve found that it’s easy to start into cybersex simply by saying something like “I’m feeling kind of frisky today!” or “I had this really interesting erotic dream this morning, and it’s got me revved up!”

From there, you can talk about a fantasy you’ve had (the section on talking about sexual fantasies in the Cultivating Fantasies post might help). Or just talk about how your body is feeling and what you might like your partner to do about it. “I would really like to feel your hands on me.” “I am thinking about how it feels to kiss you, and that’s turning me on.” Simple things like that.

Remember, your goal isn’t to impress your partner; it’s to share with your partner! You’re not trying to audition for a screenwriting competition; you’re trying to share intimacy with a partner by talking about the sexy things that you feel when you’re together.

Which brings up a second important part of good cybering: interactivity. Cybersex isn’t the same as storytelling. You’re not simply describing a fantasy from beginning to end; you’re interacting with your partner. Good cybersex is like good sex; you both have a hand in shaping how it goes. When you start describing how you feel, and what you’d like your partner to do, leave room for your partner to describe how he is feeling, and what he’d like to do, and what he’d like you to do!

It’s also perfectly OK to feel nervous about it. Remember, you’re not staging a performance for an audience; you’re inviting your partner in to share the experience with you. If you feel nervous, it’s OK to say “I feel nervous, and I’m not quite sure what to do.” That can be an opening for your partner to respond, perhaps with something like “I’d like to caress your arms gently and kiss you deeply.” If you run out of things to say, it’s always easy to describe how you feel.

I really enjoy touching myself while I’m having cybersex, and I like hearing about how my partner is touching herself, too. This helps get the arousal going, and maintains a state of erotic tension in your mind. You can describe what you’re doing to yourself, and most importantly, describe how it feels. And, of course, ask your partner how he feels, as well.

One of the nice things about cybersex is that it can be a way to explore scenarios or situations that you wouldn’t necessarily want to do in real life with a partner. It’s about halfway between sexual fantasy and actual sex; you can make up any sort of setting you like, the way you can in a fantasy, and involve your partner in the setting, sort of like the way you do during sex. As with solo sexual fantasies, the things that you want to explore in cybersex aren’t necessarily things you’d want to explore for real. It’s OK to talk about situations that turn you on but that you wouldn’t necessarily want to do–for example, many people like talking about exhibitionism, or public sex, or perhaps even kinky sex acts that get you going in your fantasies.

Because cybersex is about revealing sexual fantasies that you might not necessarily explore for real, it’s important to treat the things that your partner says with compassion and respect, even if your partner surprises you with something that you didn’t know. Don’t reject your partner for the things that come up during cybersex; instead, treat it as a safe, fun way to learn new things about your partner that you might not have known about.

Keep it real; talk about how you’re feeling, even if the setting is totally imaginary. Keep it interactive; remember that you’re not performing for an audience, you’re working with your partner and interacting with your partner. Don’t be afraid of running out of things to say; talk about the things your partner is saying and the way they turn you on. Make a safe space; don’t flip out if your partner says something you didn’t expect to hear. Do that, and you’ll find yourself having all kinds of fun even if you and your partner aren’t in the same room!

“My wife and I have a good sex life, but there’s something that I’d like to try with her that we’ve never done. I don’t know how to introduce the idea to her. Help! What’s the right way to talk to her about it?”

I usually use the same technique to introduce any lover to some new idea, be it oral sex or being tied up and blindfolded or whatever it might be. I say “Hey, I really like the idea of ___. What do you think?”

I have consistently found that trying to search for just the “right” way to bring up sex and spending a lot of time being flustered and embarrassed about it generally doesn’t work very well. When you surround sex with walls of shame or fear and you don’t talk completely openly about what you want, you can end up creating a self-perpetuating cycle where it becomes difficult and awkward to talk about your sexual desires, and so you feel awkward about doing it and you don’t do it often, so it becomes more difficult and awkward to talk about, so you feel even more awkward about it, and pretty soon there’s something you really would like to explore that you just can’t bring yourself to mention.

I am a huge fan of talking openly and directly, without any beating around the bush or trying to drop hints…but also without a sense of expectation or entitlement. She might say “no.” If she does, that doesn’t have to be a big deal anyway; the human sexual experience is so vast that there’s always plenty more to explore. It’s also generally true that people change over time; “not now” does not necessarily mean “not ever.”

In fact, sometimes the “no” answers are the most valuable, because they can springboard into conversations about what your partner does and doesn’t like about sex, and what sorts of things don’t appeal to her about whatever you’re interested in. I don’t let “no” be the end of the conversation, but rather the beginning.

Again, though, it is very important not to have a sense of expectation or entitlement. If you do, then asking followup questions is likely to be seen as pressuring or badgering, whereas not attaching a sense of expectation to the conversation won’t, even if you use the same words. (People are surprisingly leaky; if you have a sense of expectation when you ask questions about sex, odds are pretty good your partner will feel it, if even subconsciously.)

So what I do is I go into any conversation about sex with honesty and transparency, directly, and from a position of abundance rather than starvation. There are so many fun, exciting, interesting, sexy things to explore in bed that you could never cover all of them even in ten lifetimes, so if your partner doesn’t want to explore one particular kind of activity, it’s really no big deal.

And, interestingly enough, I have also found that the more honest, open, and direct you are, the more likely the answer will be “yes,” even if what you want is something your partner finds intimidating or scary. The more direct and honest you are, the more transparent you are about what you want, the more easily you talk about sex, and the more you can hear a “no” answer without a sense of entitlement, the more you build trust in your relationship. The more trust your build, the easier it is to talk about sex, and the more your partner is likely to be willing to explore things with you even if they sound intimidating at first. Talking about sex, like not talking about sex, tends to become a self-perpetuating cycle.

If you aren’t accustomed to talking openly about sex, and you feel uncomfortable or nervous asking for what you want, be transparent about that too! “I’d like to build a fun, exciting sex life with you, and I’d like to explore new things in bed with you, but it’s hard for me to talk to you about because I feel nervous talking about the things I want in bed.” Honesty means complete honesty–including honesty about how you feel!

Make the conversation a two-way street, too. Ask questions. Find out what your partner wants to explore. Make it safe for your partner to open up; remember, the fact that someone wants to try something that sounds intimidating to you doesn’t mean you have to say yes, just like you wanting to try something doesn’t mean your partner has to say yes.

Ah, the joy of sexual fantasies. Almost all of us have ‘em, but despite that, it can sometimes be hard to admit them to others. Even to our lovers.

Sexual fantasies, like masturbation, are often secret refuges; we build walls of privacy around them, that can make them hard to talk about, or even to confess. Despite the secrecy we shroud our fantasies with, they seem to be very important to the growth of our sexual selves. Research has demonstrated that positive, healthy sexual desire seems to depend heavily on sexual fantasy, and even that sexual fantasies can reduce the perception of pain!

I am a huge fan of sexual fantasies, for a number of reasons. They are a safe playground in your mind; you can use them to explore things that sound appealing to you in a way that’s totally in your control. They spur creativity; creativity is learned, not something that you’re magically born with, and focusing on your sexual fantasies–teasing out the parts of them that really get your motor going–can be a wonderful way to prime your creative pump, so to speak. They can help you liven up your sex life.

The inner mind doesn’t pay that much attention to social norms or taboos, and because of that, people often find it difficult or embarrassing to talk about their sexual fantasies. Some very common sexual fantasies, such as fantasies about loss of control, fantasies about sex with strangers or with people who are not our partners, fantasies about group sex, fantasies about seduction, and so on, might violate the things we are brought up to believe about sex, and so might feel shameful.

Fortunately, thinking about something isn’t the same thing as doing it! Imagining sex with a stranger isn’t the same as having sex with a stranger, and thinking about being overpowered and ravished in a secluded alley isn’t the same as actually wanting to be raped. Your thoughts are not a crime.

In fact, having sexual fantasies about situations involving people other than your partner may actually indicate that you feel safe and secure in your relationship, and that’s a good thing.

I believe that encouraging and promoting sexual fantasy, and sharing sexual fantasies with your partner, goes a long way toward creating a rich, fun, and exciting sex life, especially in long-term committed relationships. People often say that sex naturally tapers off in a relationship; I believe that’s the case only if the folks involved choose to let it happen, and that a full, rich, and mutually shared fantasy life, which leads to experimentation and exploration, is a great way to make sure your real-life sex never ends up in a rut.

How to talk about sexual fantasies

A lot of folks find it difficult to let other people in to their secret sex fantasy life. Some of the things I talk about in the post called Sharing the Secret Room can help. For example, if you’re not comfortable talking openly with your partner about sex, then learning how to do that is a great place to start. Talk about things you’ve tried together and enjoyed, and how it feels to have sex with your partner–those are great ways to start.

You can integrate this into your sex life. Talk about how what your partner is doing feels. Talk about what you would like your partner to do next, or what you’re looking forward to your partner doing. This is a natural springboard into talking about your fantasies. Talk about what you’d like your partner to do, and how you imagine it might feel.

Remember, though, that neither you nor your partner are obligated to act on your fantasies! We all have things that turn us on that we might not want to experience in real life, and that’s perfectly okay. Just because you talk about it doesn’t mean you have to do it! And even if you do try something, and then decide that the reality isn’t for you, that’s also okay.

Create a safe space for your fantasies

Part of the reason it can be scary to talk about fantasies is that we might be afraid of being judged by our partners. Your partner probably has sexual fantasies that will surprise you, just like you probably have sexual fantasies that will surprise your partner. Make it safe to talk about these things. Even if you hear something that surprises you and doesn’t necessarily turn you on, don’t lash out at your partner or criticize your partner for it! Fantasies are not reality, and the fact that your partner has a fantasy doesn’t necessarily mean that he or she wants to do it.

Creating a safe space for your partner to trust you with these inner landscapes is an important part of building a vibrant, exciting sex life.

Encouraging fantasies

I firmly believe that creativity is a learned thing. The more you exercise your mental muscles, the more creative you become. The playground of fantasy is a great way to do this.

One of the things I like to do is revisit the same fantasy several times, adding on to the story inside my head each time. Think about the details. What are you wearing in your fantasy? What is the setting? If you imagine yourself being tied up, how are you tied? How does your dream partner tie you? In what order? With what kind of rope? If you imagine yourself on a tropical island in your fantasy, what color is the beach? Are there rolling hills or tall, jagged mountains?

By thinking about the details and making the fantasy itself more elaborate, you can practice exercising your creativity.

Another technique that I really like is thinking about what it is about the fantasy that most turn you on. Which little details are the ones that get you going, and why? If you fantasize about being tied up, what is it that you like–is it the process? Is it feeling restrained and helpless?

This is important because even if you don’t want to make the fantasy into reality, you can still bring little bits of it, stripped to the bare essentials that most rev your engine, into your real love life. For example, if you fantasize about being tied up because you like the feeling of being held and unable to move, you can bring that into your bedroom by having your partner hold you down, even if you don’t really want to be tied up.

Techniques for sharing fantasies

A fun way to get started with sharing your fantasies is to make a game where you and your partner take turns revealing the details of some fantasy you particularly enjoy. For example, you might start by saying “My favorite fantasy happens on a lonely, windswept tropical beach.” Your partner might say “My favorite fantasy happens here in this bed, late at night, with a thunderstorm raging.” You can then take turns drawing each other in with details, describing what happens as the fantasy goes on.

Another thing that can be a lot of fun is to talk about your fantasy during foreplay. When you feel sexy, and you and your partner are getting all turned on, describe parts of your fantasy that get you going to help make the mood even more exciting.

You can write down your sexual fantasies before you share them, like I describe here. Or, keep a fantasy journal, and write in it whenever you have a fantasy–not just the fantasy itself, but also how it turned you on.

Focus on your fantasy life, encourage the sharing of fantasies, and you’ll find your sex life gets hotter!

Anything can, when it comes right down to it, be used as a sex toy, and I do mean anything. Dental floss? Easy! Chocolate pie? No problem! In fact, just to prove the point, today I’m going to talk about how to use a simple quarter (or, for those of you who aren’t in the United States, any other coin) to make sex hotter.

This is a fun, simple 2-player game that starts with you, your partner, and a coin. At the start of the game, both players should be fully dressed.

Player 1 starts the game by flipping the coin. If the result is heads, then Player 1 gets to tell Player 2 to do something to him or her. If the result is tails, Player 1 gets to tell Player 2 something that Player 2 does to herself or himself. The rules are that whatever this act is, it can’t involve removing clothing, it can’t involve going under clothing, it can’t take more than a couple of minutes to do, and it can’t lead to orgasm. Simple, yes?

Some ideas might involve kissing, fondling, stroking, making out, massaging, pinching, tickling, pinching, or pretty much anything else Player 1 would like done or would like to see Player 2 do to himself or herself.

After this has been done, Player 1 flips the coin twice. If the result is two heads in a row, Player 1 loses an article of clothing; if the result is two tails in a row, Player 2 loses an article of clothing; otherwise, nothing happens. For this game, an article of clothing can be shoes and socks (which together count as a single item); shirt (and bra, if the person is wearing one); pants or skirt; and finally, underwear. All paired items count as one item of clothing, and no, jewelry and glasses don’t count. Sorry.

Then it’s Player 2′s turn, and the same rules apply. Player 2 flips the coin; heads, Player 2 tells Player 1 to do something to her or him; tails, Player 2 gets to instruct Player 1 to do something to himself or herself for Player 2′s enjoyment. No going under clothing, nothing lasting more than a couple of minutes, no getting off, anything else is fair game…you get the idea.

Then, Player 2 flips the coin twice. Two heads in a row, Player 2 loses an article of clothing; two tails, Player 1 loses an article of clothing; otherwise, nothing. And the game continues.

Keep playing until you’re both naked and so worked up that you can’t stand it any more.

So in last week’s tip, I discussed the ways to enjoy anal sex without hurting your partner. I mentioned in passing a couple of different types of lubes you can use for this, so this week I’d like to talk more about the slippery stuff.

Some folks find the notion of using lube for sex a little intimidating. The way I see it, life is full of annoying, unpleasant things to deal with as it is; sex shouldn’t be one of them. Lube is fun! The slippery bits get even better when they’re more slippery.

There are a lot, and I mean a lot, of different kinds of lubes on the market. All of them fall into one of only a few basic categories, though: water-based, silicone, and oil-based. All the various textures, brands, kinds, and thicknesses of lube is going to be one of the three.

Water-based lubes
This is your basic, old-fashioned generic sex lube. It’s cheap, you can get it at a grocery or drug store, and it works. Good old-fashioned KY jelly is water-based lube.

Some water-based lubricants contain glycerine, which is an organic chemical compound similar to sugar. (If you want to get technical, it’s a sugar alcohol, essentially a sugar molecule with a hydroxyl group on the end.) Bacteria can’t use sugar alcohols for food, but some people claim that yeast can. I haven’t seen any evidence to support it myself, but I have heard claims that for folks who are really prone to yeast infections, lubes containing glycerine can promote a yeast infection and should be avoided.

Fortunately, there are a lot of water-based lubes that don’t contain glycerine. One of the most popular, and one I’m quite fond of, is Astroglide Glycerine Free, which is very slippery, stays that way for a while, and does the job quite nicely.

Among the absolute best of water-based lubes is Liquid Silk, which is specifically designed to avoid yeast infections. It’s a bit more expansive per ounce, but it has all sorts of skin conditioners in it as well.

Warming lubes are generally water-based. Whether or not you will like these depends a great deal on personal taste; I know some folks who swear by them and some folks who swear at them. They create a sensation of warmth when used. KY makes warming lube (in both liquid and jelly format), as well as a warming massage and sex lube as well. The latter is very, very mildly warming–frankly, I can’t even tell–so if you’re curious about warming lubes but you want to try something with a very mild effect, it might be a good place to start.

Pros: Water-based lubes can be used any time and with any kind of condom, any kind of toy, or whatever you want. They wash off easily, they don’t stain, and they are non-toxic. That’s the good news.

Cons: The bad news is that they can get sticky when they start to dry. A lot of folks don’t like water-based lubes for anal sex for that reason. I find that they still work well, especially if you keep them wet; one of the nice things about water-based lubes is that if they get sticky, adding a sprinkle of water will bring them right back. I almost always use water-based lubes myself.

Silicone-based lubes
Silicone lunes are, in the words of a friend of mine, like Teflon coating for people. You put a little tiny bit of silicone lube on some bit you want to be slippery, and it will get, and stay, slippery, oh yes. It’s more expensive ounce for ounce than water-based lubes, but you really don’t need very much of it.

Most silicone-based lubes that I’ve tried tend to be pretty thin. There have been a few silicone-based gels on the market recently, but a lot of the better known brands, like WET Platinum, is pretty thin.

One of the most popular makers of silicone lube is a company called Pjur, which makes both liquid and gel versions. They also make a silicone lube specifically for anal sex that they call “Analyze Me”.

Pros: Silicone lube never dries out, and I mean never. It doesn’t get sticky or tacky, and it’s almost impossible to wear out. It is compatible with condoms and with most toys. And, it’s waterproof! If you want to have sex in the tub or the shower but you’re worried that you won’t stay slippery, silicone lubes are your salvation. But…

Cons: …it’s expensive. And “most toys” doesn’t mean “all toys.” In particular, you can not use it with silicone sex toys; you’ll destroy them. (ID Millennium is a silicone lube that is claimed to be compatible with 100% medical-grade silicone sex toys, though it can and will damage lower-grade silicone toys. I still recommend not using any silicone lube with silicone toys. Stick with water-based lubes for silicone sex toys.) It also tends to be pretty tough to wash off, on account of that whole “waterproof” part.

Oil-based lube
These include most massage oils, some lotions, Vaseline, and so on.

In my experience, oil-based lubes just plain aren’t good as sex lubes. They are not compatible with latex, and will destroy latex condoms. Some women find them to be very unpleasant when used vaginally.

There is a type of oil-based lube on the market called “Elegance Woman’s Lubricant” that’s supposedly fine for vaginal sex, as long as you aren’t using a latex condom. I haven’t ever experimented with it, so I can’t really say much about it one way or the other. In general, I tend to avoid anything oil-based for sex.

Pros: None that I have found.

Cons: Hard to clean up, can destroy latex condoms.

Some lubes are specifically sold as beig designed for anal sex. Generally, these are going to be water or silicone based lubes in thicker formulations, though occasionally they are also marketed with topical anesthetics in them as well, supposedly to help prevent pain during anal sex.

Frankly, this strikes me as being a profoundly bad idea. Properly done, anal sex shouldn’t be painful; and if it isn’t done right, it seems to me that the last thing you’d want to do is numb the area, which might prevent you from realizing that something is causing actual injury.

Anal sex. Some people love it, some people hate it, some people are afraid it will turn them gay. Whatever the opinion, though, you can’t talk about sex for long without someone mentioning anal, so this week I’m going to write about the butt.

When most people think anal sex, they usually think of a guy doing it to a girl. Which is a shame, really, because the male anatomy is set up in such a way that it’s easier for men to enjoy receiving it than it is for women.

Unfortunately, we live in a society that makes anything dealing with rear entry taboo for a very large number of men. I say “unfortunately” because there are a whole lot of guys who are seriously concerned that if their girlfriend puts her finger there, suddenly they’ll become gay and, I don’t know, start cruising men’s bathrooms at the Park ‘N’ Ride for sex or something. And hey, if that’s your thing, that’s cool–the idea is that if it isn’t your thing, a finger up your ass won’t make it your thing, y’know?

The reality is a whole lot simpler; “gay” is “of or related to sex between members of the same sex,” so anything a guy and a girl do together can’t possibly be gay by definition. And, of course, there’s the whole thing that doing something that someone else also does won’t turn you into that other person; straight couples do oral, so if a gay male couple does oral on each other, does that make them straight? Come to think of it, you keep a car in your garage, so will standing in a garage turn you into a car?

Okay, that last one was a little over the top. Ahem. But you get the idea, I hope.

Regardless of who you are, who your partner is, or what your orientation is, anal sex can actually be a lot of fun, for both giver and receiver. I’m a big fan of strap-on sex myself, and really enjoy when my partner bends me over the bed. Or, you know, the kitchen table.

Speaking of which, I should probably talk a little bit about positions for anal sex. When most folks think “anal,” they usually think “doggy style,” but it’s actually a lot easier (especially if you’re a newbie) to do it in missionary position or spooning, with you lying on your side and your partner lying on his or her side in front of you. For these purposes, I’m assuming that the “you” in question is the giver; if you’re the receiver, just turn the pronouns around in your head.

The single greatest fear that most folk have about anal sex is that it will hurt. In fact, there is a common assumption that anal sex will always hurt, and there’s no way to do it without pain, which again is unfortunate because nothing could be further from the truth. Properly done, anal sex can be 100% painless, which suggests to me that there’s a whole lot of people who are not doing it properly.

How to make anal sex painless:

First, it’s helpful to know a little about the anatomy. There isn’t just one sphincter muscle in the anus, there are two. The second is about half an inch or so in from the first. These muscles don’t work quite like the muscles you’re used to, like say the muscles in your arm. Their default state is to be tightly closed; when you relax your body, they close up, and you have to do work to make them relax.

As counter-intuitive as it seems, you must exert effort to get them to open up. One helpful technique is to push down, which will tend to make them dilate. I say this is counter-intuitive because you wouldn’t think that pushing down is a good way to get something up, but it is.

For folks who aren’t experienced, seasoned anal sex recipients, it’s usually a good idea to start with a finger before jumping into penetration with a dildo or a penis or whatever. The best way I’ve found to do this is not to push the tip of the finger straight in. Rather, touch the anus with the pad of oyur finger, and move it around a bit. Let your partner relax and press against your finger. When you feel the sphincter start to open, only then do you begin to press your finger in–and only as far as your partner will accept it easily.

Lube is a big deal, and I mean a biiiig deal. You will want to use it. And don’t be stingy! Use quite a bit, then use some more. You can squirt it directly onto the pad of your finger and also directly onto your partner.

When the tip of your finger is in, don’t try to just shove it the rest of the way home. Remember that second sphincter I mentioned? You’ll encounter it quickly. Wriggle your fingertip, go slow, and let your partner focus on pressing up against you to open it up, too. (Letting your partner control the speed and depth of the penetration, especially the first few times, will go a long way toward making an experience that your partner will enjoy. Making an experience your partner enjoys goes a long way toward getting to play again.)

Wriggle the tip of your finger, but don’t shove. You’ll feel when the muscle relaxes, because you will feel the resistance ease up and your finger will be able to slide deeper.

When it comes time to use something other than a finger, the same ideas apply. Start by pressing whatever it is you’ll be using against the entrance, move it around a bit, don’t just shove it in, use lots of lube.

Almost anyone you talk to about anal sex will tell you to go slow. This is one of the places where folks fall down. “Go slow” does not mean “spend thirty seconds getting it in.” It doesn’t even mean “spend two minutes getting it in” It means taking as long as it takes–even if that means thirty minutes just to get it past the first sphincter! You aren’t Mario Andretti, and there’s no prize waiting for the fastest competitor. Be willing to allocate as much time as it takes.

If there is pain, stop. Immediately. And remove whatever is in there. The pain will fade after the penetrating object is removed, but it isn’t likely to go away as long as it’s still there. So take it out, have your partner breathe for a while, and don’t start again until whatever pain there was goes away. If you’re taking your time, there shouldn’t be any pain, but if you get too carried away and go too fast, stop, withdraw, and start again.

And did I mention lube? You’ll need lots of it.

I personally prefer water-based lube like good old-fashioned KY jelly. Some people prefer silicone lubes like Gun Oil Silicone. The water-based lubes can dry out, but are easily reactivated by adding water. They’re also cheaper. Silicone lubes last longer but are harder to wash off when you’re done. Whatever; it’s really a matter of personal preference.

Some folks worry about mess. Generally there shouldn’t be much, if any, as long as your partner doesn’t actively have to use the bathroom at the time. If you’re worried, use condoms, finger cots, or both; problem solved.

And there you go! Relax, go slow, don’t press any faster than your partner is able to take, pay attention to your partner and the way she (or he!) is responding, and you’ll be well on the way to making it fun for both of you.

(Note: This post is not about how to ask your partner about having a threesome. That’s an entirely different subject, and something I may write about later. This assumes you’ve already talked to your partner, and now the two of you are searching for a third person to have a threesome with.)

“My partner and I want to have a threesome. We’ve thought about asking a friend of ours that we are both attracted to, but I’m worried that it might make things awkward or ruin the friendship. A friend of mine asked someone he knew to have a threesome and it blew up into a big mess. We’re thinking it might be better to ask a stranger. What do you think?”

Asking a friend is something I’ve done dozens of times, and I’ve hadtoo many threesomes to count (and many foursomes, and a few dozen fivesomes, and a sixsome, and a fifteensome, and…)

Asking a friend can become a mess, sure…if the people involved have poor communication skills. But it’s the poor communication skills, not the sex or the threesome or even the idea of sex, that causes the problem.

I have seen and observed a common pattern to situations where the prospect of a threesome causes awkwardness or discomfort. Consistently, it has been my observation that the problems and awkwardness come up when people aren’t talking.

It can be really, really scary to talk openly about sex. We are raised from a young age to surround sex with shame and secrecy, so when it comes time to talking openly about it, many people become shy and clam up. That’s bad for sex in general, but it’s REALLY bad for group sex.

Not only are we not taught how to talk about sex, but we’re also taught that we’re only “supposed” to have sex in certain ways, and so it becomes even harder to talk openly about it.

So what happens before or after a threesome is people end up thinking “What does it mean? Is it supposed to change things between us now? Does it mean we can’t be friends? I’m afraid it means our friendship has changed, but I don’t want that to be true. What if it is true? I better not talk about it. Should I talk about it? What happens if her boyfriend is jealous? What happens if SHE is jealous? Should I talk about that? If I say the wrong thing, they might get jealous and yell at me. What should I say? I better not say anything, because what happens if I say the wrong thing? What if I liked it–will that make them even more jealous? What if I didn’t like it? Does that mean I’m bad in bed? Does that mean they won’t like me any more? I better not talk about whether or not I liked it, because if I say the wrong thing it might make them upset.”

The same thing can happen if you’re one of the members of the couple–”Does this mean our friendship is different? I better not mention it to her, because if I mention it to her, she might think that’s all I want her for now. What if I want it do it again? Hmm, she isn’t telling me whether or not she liked it. What does that mean? Does it mean she didn’t like it? I better not ask her how she felt about it, because what if she didn’t like it? She might think I’m pressuring her to do it again. If I say the wrong thing, she might get mad and accuse me of pressuring her. Should I even mention it at all? What if she liked it with my partner more than she liked it with me? What does that mean? Does it mean she wants to take my partner away? I better not mention that, either. What did my partner think? Did my partner like it? What if that means he isn’t satisfied with just me any more? That would be terrible! Does my partner want to dump me now? Does my partner think less of me now? That would be really awkward. I better not talk about it, because it could make me feel uncomfortable.”

Whenever you are in a situation where you don’t know what to say, or you’re afraid of how someone will react, then you are pretty much GUARANTEED to feel awkward, because you’re spending all your time dancing around land mines in your head, trying to figure out what it is and is not safe to talk about.

That’s why some people feel safer having a threesome with a stranger, because there doesn’t have to be a conversation afterward, and there isn’t that feeling of dancing around emotional land mines.

I personally don’t think that’s a good solution, though, because the problem with inviting a stranger into your bed is…now you have a stranger in your bed. Having a stranger in your bed means you can end up with a totally random grab bag of STD risk, emotional risk, neurosis, and other potential problems. Plus, in my experience, sex is better with people you already know.

The solution, though it takes a certain amount of courage if you are not already in the habit of talking openly about sex, is to get the whole thing out in the open.

“My partner and I like you, and we are thinking it could be fun to have a threesome with you. It’s OK if you say no. It’s not because we’re trying to put you on the spot, so if that’s how you feel, it’s OK for you to say so. If you don’t like the idea, hey, we’re cool. No matter what you choose, it doesn’t mean that our friendship has to be any different, unless you want it to be. If you have concerns or weird feelings about it, hey, it’s OK to talk to us about it, because we are friends first and foremost, and that’s what friends are for.”

Deliberately opening the lines of communication, making it clear that it is safe to talk about things (even negative emotions or bad experiences), and talking directly and plainly about what it means to you and your friendship, will go a long way to avoiding the kind of blowup that your friend had.

Today’s sex tip comes a little bit late again. That’s a good thing, though; I’m working on some exciting new behind-the-scenes stuff for Weekly Sex Tip that I hope to be able to announce soon, that I think will make the site better.

Anyway, this week’s sex tip is about masturbating. Or, more specifically, masturbating in front of your partner.

This is something that many people find extraordinarily difficult to do. “My partner wants me to touch myself in front of him or her, and I just can’t” is something I hear often.

I think it’s easy to see why it’s so hard to do, when you think about it. From the earliest awakening of our sexual selves, touching yourself is an incredibly private act. Most of us first start exploring our sexualities by touching ourselves, but from the very beginning we build a secret room inside our heads where we keep our fantasies and the things we do as we explore our bodies secret.

This is a normal and healthy way to learn our bodies and ourselves, I think. And most of us, even when we begin to have sexual relationships, continue to visit this secret room regularly. Throughout our lifetimes, we visit this secret room, and we add fantasies, or private little turn-ons, or things we learn about our bodies to that room, gradually building a world of sexual touch and feelings that we usually don’t share with anyone else.

Letting someone else into that secret room can be a beautiful, intimate act. When you show your partner the little ways you touch ourself, the sounds you make when you masturbate, the tiny little changes in your expression as your hands stroke your skin, and all those hundreds of other little things, you’re expressing a willingness to share yourself that is incredibly sexy and wonderful.

But it can be very hard, especially if you’ve never done it before. Any little doubts or bits of self-consciousness you might have lurking inside yourself can become intensely strong when you think about masturbating in front of your partner. “What if he thinks I look silly?” “What if she’s bored watching what I do?” “What if I make embarrassing noises?” All those sorts of thoughts can sometimes keep us from letting anyone else into our secret rooms.

It’s so worth doing, though, no matter how hard it is. Being able to share your most private self with your partner, even though it’s scary, is beautifully intimate.

If you would like to explore being able to share that with your partner, but you find it difficult to do, there are things you can do to help make it easier.

First, become comfortable with your partner looking at you. Take off your clothes and just let your partner look at your body, even if you feel self-conscious or awkward. Sometimes, just doing that all by itself can help make self-consciousness go away.

Don’t think about it as a performance that you have to do. You are inviting your partner in to see your private self, not doing an audition for a burlesque show. It’s OK if you think you don’t do anything interesting; believe me, even if there aren’t any twirling tassels or glitter, watching a lover touch themselves is always wonderful.

Don’t make it goal-directed. Don’t assume that you have to have an orgasm or else it’s no good. The purpose is to show your partner the things that turn you on and the way that you touch yourself; you’re not making a porn flick, it’s not about the money shot.

If you feel self-conscious, start small. Think about the little things that you do when you masturbate. Run your hand over your body. If sexual fantasies are part of the way you masturbate, close your eyes and visualize one of your favorite fantasies. It’s OK if you don’t finish the entire process the first time you try it; there’s nothing wrong with welcoming your partner into your secret room bit by bit, a little more each time you do it.

Incorporate your partner’s touch into your own, if you like. Take your partner’s hand and place it on your body. Describe how your lover’s hand feels on your skin while you let your own hands wander over yourself. Don’t worry about sounding silly or contrived; don’t worry if you don’t normally scream like an Italian opera singer on the eve of the Apocalypse when you masturbate. Remember, you’re not putting on a show; you’re inviting your partner to see the real, genuine you. Theatrics are sometimes fun during sex, don’t get me wrong, but they aren’t the point here.

If you still feel self-conscious, there’s nothing wrong with saying so. If you would like to be able to show your partner how you pleasure yourself, but it’s hard to do because you feel awkward, then you can say “I’d like to show you how I touch myself but I feel a little awkward because it makes me self-conscious.” Sometimes, something that simple can really help.

If you still feel self-conscious, making it a mutual act can help too. Perhaps both of you can try touching yourselves at the same time, or perhaps you might find it easier to work it into your foreplay, and show your partner the ways you touch yourself while your partner is kissing and touching you as well.

No matter how awkward it feels at first, it becomes easier and easier to do with practice. I highly recommend it, not only for the wonderful sense of intimacy, but also because there is very little in all the world that is more sexy than watching how your lover pleasures himself or herself.

I’ve always been a big fan of sex toys, and I have a fairly significant collection of them. But sometimes, dedicated, special-purpose sex toys either aren’t available or aren’t affordable.

Well, fear not! With a little imagination, all kinds of interesting pervertables are all around you!

If you have some condoms handy, you already have the makings of some fun and interesting dildos. A quick, easy sex toy can be made from just a condom and a washcloth. Soak the washcloth in hot water, roll it up tightly, slide a condom over it, and you have an instant hot dildo, ready to go!

Another idea along the same lines is to fill a condom with barley and tie it closed. You can add as much or as little as you like, to control the thickness of the finished dildo. Once you’ve tied it shut, pop it in the microwave for just a few seconds (don’t overdo it, you don’t want to get it TOO hot!) and you have a dildo that will retain heat for a nice long time.

Got a bunch of marbles? Fill a condom with them for an interesting bumpy sensation.

A condom placed over a hairbrush handle can make for an interesting improvised sex toy. Hair brushes come in a huge variety of sizes and shapes, each offering a different range of sensation.

Electric toothbrushes make for popular improvised vibrators or clit stimulators. Just be sure to keep a separate head only for playtime purposes!

And while we’re on the subject, a small amount of toothpaste applied to the clit gives you the same tingling, arousing reaction of those so-called “arousal gels” at a tiny fraction of the price.

You can find candles in all sorts of different sizes. Carve down the end into a pleasing rounded shape, slip a condom over it, and go to town! For extra fun, carve ridges, notches, or bumps into it first.

Got any more? Want to share a particular favorite? Let me know!

There are a number of games on the market that are variations of the old “Memory” card game, where you lay out a set of cards face-down, then flip two of them over to see what they are. If they match, you remove them; if they don’t, you turn them face-down and flip over two othes. The goal is to try to remember where all the cards are, and to clear all the cards in the fewest number of moves. Simple, right?

Most folks can remember somewhere between five and nine bits of information easily; more than that and it starts getting difficult. Which is where this week’s tip starts.

I am, as I’ve mentioned before, a big fan of writing and drawing on a lover’s body, as a wonderfully tactile and sensual form of play. A friend of mine shares this love, and has taken it a step further to turn it into a delightful little game for lovers.

Start with your partner nude in front of you. Choose a list of words; anything you like, such as “aardvark,” “lemon,” snowshoe,” and so on. Write the words in various places on your lover’s body–butt, back, belly, thigh, chest, wherever you like.

Then, blindfold your lover. The object of the game is to touch your lover, and have him or her tell you what word you’re touching. The more words you write, the harder this gets, of course.

Each success can be rewarded, with a kiss or a stroke or a fondle or whatever you like. Each failure is punished, perhaps by a smack on the ass or a nipple tweak or whatever else strikes your fancy. Keep count of the successes and failures; at the end of the game, which can last for as long as you want, your lover can earn some large reward (like an orgasm, perhaps) if there were more success than failures, or some final punishment (such as being teased and not allowed to reach orgasm, or being turned over your knee for a paddling, or whatever else seems like an adequate punishment) if there were more failures than successes.

You can make the game as sensual as you want! If you enjoy sensation play, try touching the words on your lover’s body with a feather, or a soft bit of cloth, or the end of a wooden bamboo skewer. If temperature play is your thing, using an ice cube to touch your partner might work well. Mix it up, and vary the things you touch your lover with! This helps keep him or her off-balance, and adds just that little extra bit of difficulty to the game.