Negotiating New Needs: What if I am Submissive and my Partner Isn’t Into BDSM?

Help! I am married. I am a submissive into BDSM. My husband is not interested. What can I do?

That’s a very tricky question.

The short answer is you have four options: talk to him to find out why he’s not interested and see if there is some way you can rebuild your relationship with him to give you the things you need; end the relationship; talk to him about your needs and explore the possibility of finding a way for you to meet your needs somewhere else or with someone else, in a way that he is on-board with and is compassionate and respectful of him; or cheat.

Of these four options, I definitely don’t recommend cheating. There are a lot of problems with cheating, some of them practical, some of them ethical, and some of them philosophical. On a practical matter, it’s overwhelmingly likely that sooner or later, he will find out. On an ethical level, betraying the trust of a person that you love and have committed to isn’t cool, even if the relationship doesn’t meet your needs. It’s also an attempt to take the easy way out, to seek having your needs met elsewhere without actually having to take responsibility for the consequences in your existing relationship. On a philosophical level, everything that you hide from your partner corrodes and destroys intimacy.

So, first, I would recommend sitting down with him and having a real, serious conversation about the things that you need and the way he feels about that. Don’t just take “I dunno” or “I don’t want to” as being the end of the conversation. Ask detailed and specific questions; for example, if you say “I would like to explore ___” and he says “I don’t want to,” find out why. Does the idea intimidate him? Does it simply not appeal to him, and if that’s the case, what DOES appeal to him? What does he like about sex? Does he find the idea threatening? Does he have moral or religious objections to it? (Many people may feel that dominating a woman is wrong because it reinforces the historical, patriarchal ideas that are harmful to women; in BDSM, though, a role that is freely chosen is very different from a role that is imposed on women by choice. Accepting the idea that women should be free to choose their own role means accepting that some women do in fact want to choose a submissive role.)

Keep the conversation going. Look for things that HE might like. Ask him about his fantasies. Find out if there are things that he might like to try himself, and look for common ground. If he is resistant to the idea of trying anything new, find out why. Is it about a belief that there is a certain way that relationships are “supposed” to be? Is it about feeling uncomfortable with the unknown? Something else?

And don’t necessarily expect that a single conversation will answer everything. Sometimes, people take time to warm up to new ideas. Even folks who seem absolutely dead-set against something will occasionally change their minds, if you present it as something you’d really like and that can enrich your life with that person.

If that doesn’t seem to get you anywhere, try exploring some other options. Ask him if it would be okay if you try to learn about these things or meet these needs somewhere else, such as with a BDSM munch group.

This is another conversation that he might find threatening; it’s important to emphasize that you’re not looking to replace him, but rather to meet a need that he seems unwilling to meet. I personally find it helpful to keep in mind that it is perfectly reasonable of you to ask that your needs be met, and that it is not necessarily reasonable for someone to tell you “I refuse to allow you to have oyur needs met from anyone but me, and I refuse to meet your needs.”

If none of that succeeds, then I think it’s time to consider whether or not this relationship gives you the things that it takes for you to be happy. It may be that each of you might be happier with a different partner.

Good luck!