How To: Have Cyber Sex

I have a number of long-distance partners; it’s one of the curses of the Internet. Meeting people online is a double-edged sword…while I have met many folks online who enrich my life and add value to it, the Internet lets us connect with people who may be a long distance away.

Fortunately, the Internet also offers us the ability to talk with people anywhere in the world, easily and effortlessly. And that means that it’s easy to talk about sex!

Cybersex is a lot of fun; the advent of instant messaging programs and global Internet means it’s easy to stay in touch with a lover who is a long distance away. It’s great if your partner is away on a trip, or is going to college in a distant town, or lives far away.

When you first get started with cybering, it’s normal to feel a little awkward. Some of that is performance pressure (“oh, no! I have to think of sexy things to say? What if I can’t think of anything?”). Some of it might be simply learning to talk openly about sex (“it feels awkward to describe sex acts in explicit detail”). Some of it is just the fact that anything new tends to feel uncomfortable at first, whether it’s getting on a bicycle for the first time or dipping your toes into some new sexual activity.

The key to good, fun, exciting cybersex is authenticity. I’m not talking about authenticity in the setting you create, mind you; not everyone cybers from the point of view of a secret agent in an exotic country, but some folks do, and that kind of storytelling can be a lot of fun. What I mean, instead, is authenticity in your reactions.

You don’t need to come up with elaborate storylines or complex characters in order to be good at cybering; instead, what you need to do is to talk about the way you would respond, and how the cybering is making you feel. It’s not necessarily about playing a role so much as it is about sharing what turns you on with your lover.

When people ask me about cybering, the most common question I hear is “What do I say?” To me, that’s the easy part: you say what you’re feeling. I’ve found that it’s easy to start into cybersex simply by saying something like “I’m feeling kind of frisky today!” or “I had this really interesting erotic dream this morning, and it’s got me revved up!”

From there, you can talk about a fantasy you’ve had (the section on talking about sexual fantasies in the Cultivating Fantasies post might help). Or just talk about how your body is feeling and what you might like your partner to do about it. “I would really like to feel your hands on me.” “I am thinking about how it feels to kiss you, and that’s turning me on.” Simple things like that.

Remember, your goal isn’t to impress your partner; it’s to share with your partner! You’re not trying to audition for a screenwriting competition; you’re trying to share intimacy with a partner by talking about the sexy things that you feel when you’re together.

Which brings up a second important part of good cybering: interactivity. Cybersex isn’t the same as storytelling. You’re not simply describing a fantasy from beginning to end; you’re interacting with your partner. Good cybersex is like good sex; you both have a hand in shaping how it goes. When you start describing how you feel, and what you’d like your partner to do, leave room for your partner to describe how he is feeling, and what he’d like to do, and what he’d like you to do!

It’s also perfectly OK to feel nervous about it. Remember, you’re not staging a performance for an audience; you’re inviting your partner in to share the experience with you. If you feel nervous, it’s OK to say “I feel nervous, and I’m not quite sure what to do.” That can be an opening for your partner to respond, perhaps with something like “I’d like to caress your arms gently and kiss you deeply.” If you run out of things to say, it’s always easy to describe how you feel.

I really enjoy touching myself while I’m having cybersex, and I like hearing about how my partner is touching herself, too. This helps get the arousal going, and maintains a state of erotic tension in your mind. You can describe what you’re doing to yourself, and most importantly, describe how it feels. And, of course, ask your partner how he feels, as well.

One of the nice things about cybersex is that it can be a way to explore scenarios or situations that you wouldn’t necessarily want to do in real life with a partner. It’s about halfway between sexual fantasy and actual sex; you can make up any sort of setting you like, the way you can in a fantasy, and involve your partner in the setting, sort of like the way you do during sex. As with solo sexual fantasies, the things that you want to explore in cybersex aren’t necessarily things you’d want to explore for real. It’s OK to talk about situations that turn you on but that you wouldn’t necessarily want to do–for example, many people like talking about exhibitionism, or public sex, or perhaps even kinky sex acts that get you going in your fantasies.

Because cybersex is about revealing sexual fantasies that you might not necessarily explore for real, it’s important to treat the things that your partner says with compassion and respect, even if your partner surprises you with something that you didn’t know. Don’t reject your partner for the things that come up during cybersex; instead, treat it as a safe, fun way to learn new things about your partner that you might not have known about.

Keep it real; talk about how you’re feeling, even if the setting is totally imaginary. Keep it interactive; remember that you’re not performing for an audience, you’re working with your partner and interacting with your partner. Don’t be afraid of running out of things to say; talk about the things your partner is saying and the way they turn you on. Make a safe space; don’t flip out if your partner says something you didn’t expect to hear. Do that, and you’ll find yourself having all kinds of fun even if you and your partner aren’t in the same room!