Cultivating Fantasies

Ah, the joy of sexual fantasies. Almost all of us have ‘em, but despite that, it can sometimes be hard to admit them to others. Even to our lovers.

Sexual fantasies, like masturbation, are often secret refuges; we build walls of privacy around them, that can make them hard to talk about, or even to confess. Despite the secrecy we shroud our fantasies with, they seem to be very important to the growth of our sexual selves. Research has demonstrated that positive, healthy sexual desire seems to depend heavily on sexual fantasy, and even that sexual fantasies can reduce the perception of pain!

I am a huge fan of sexual fantasies, for a number of reasons. They are a safe playground in your mind; you can use them to explore things that sound appealing to you in a way that’s totally in your control. They spur creativity; creativity is learned, not something that you’re magically born with, and focusing on your sexual fantasies–teasing out the parts of them that really get your motor going–can be a wonderful way to prime your creative pump, so to speak. They can help you liven up your sex life.

The inner mind doesn’t pay that much attention to social norms or taboos, and because of that, people often find it difficult or embarrassing to talk about their sexual fantasies. Some very common sexual fantasies, such as fantasies about loss of control, fantasies about sex with strangers or with people who are not our partners, fantasies about group sex, fantasies about seduction, and so on, might violate the things we are brought up to believe about sex, and so might feel shameful.

Fortunately, thinking about something isn’t the same thing as doing it! Imagining sex with a stranger isn’t the same as having sex with a stranger, and thinking about being overpowered and ravished in a secluded alley isn’t the same as actually wanting to be raped. Your thoughts are not a crime.

In fact, having sexual fantasies about situations involving people other than your partner may actually indicate that you feel safe and secure in your relationship, and that’s a good thing.

I believe that encouraging and promoting sexual fantasy, and sharing sexual fantasies with your partner, goes a long way toward creating a rich, fun, and exciting sex life, especially in long-term committed relationships. People often say that sex naturally tapers off in a relationship; I believe that’s the case only if the folks involved choose to let it happen, and that a full, rich, and mutually shared fantasy life, which leads to experimentation and exploration, is a great way to make sure your real-life sex never ends up in a rut.

How to talk about sexual fantasies

A lot of folks find it difficult to let other people in to their secret sex fantasy life. Some of the things I talk about in the post called Sharing the Secret Room can help. For example, if you’re not comfortable talking openly with your partner about sex, then learning how to do that is a great place to start. Talk about things you’ve tried together and enjoyed, and how it feels to have sex with your partner–those are great ways to start.

You can integrate this into your sex life. Talk about how what your partner is doing feels. Talk about what you would like your partner to do next, or what you’re looking forward to your partner doing. This is a natural springboard into talking about your fantasies. Talk about what you’d like your partner to do, and how you imagine it might feel.

Remember, though, that neither you nor your partner are obligated to act on your fantasies! We all have things that turn us on that we might not want to experience in real life, and that’s perfectly okay. Just because you talk about it doesn’t mean you have to do it! And even if you do try something, and then decide that the reality isn’t for you, that’s also okay.

Create a safe space for your fantasies

Part of the reason it can be scary to talk about fantasies is that we might be afraid of being judged by our partners. Your partner probably has sexual fantasies that will surprise you, just like you probably have sexual fantasies that will surprise your partner. Make it safe to talk about these things. Even if you hear something that surprises you and doesn’t necessarily turn you on, don’t lash out at your partner or criticize your partner for it! Fantasies are not reality, and the fact that your partner has a fantasy doesn’t necessarily mean that he or she wants to do it.

Creating a safe space for your partner to trust you with these inner landscapes is an important part of building a vibrant, exciting sex life.

Encouraging fantasies

I firmly believe that creativity is a learned thing. The more you exercise your mental muscles, the more creative you become. The playground of fantasy is a great way to do this.

One of the things I like to do is revisit the same fantasy several times, adding on to the story inside my head each time. Think about the details. What are you wearing in your fantasy? What is the setting? If you imagine yourself being tied up, how are you tied? How does your dream partner tie you? In what order? With what kind of rope? If you imagine yourself on a tropical island in your fantasy, what color is the beach? Are there rolling hills or tall, jagged mountains?

By thinking about the details and making the fantasy itself more elaborate, you can practice exercising your creativity.

Another technique that I really like is thinking about what it is about the fantasy that most turn you on. Which little details are the ones that get you going, and why? If you fantasize about being tied up, what is it that you like–is it the process? Is it feeling restrained and helpless?

This is important because even if you don’t want to make the fantasy into reality, you can still bring little bits of it, stripped to the bare essentials that most rev your engine, into your real love life. For example, if you fantasize about being tied up because you like the feeling of being held and unable to move, you can bring that into your bedroom by having your partner hold you down, even if you don’t really want to be tied up.

Techniques for sharing fantasies

A fun way to get started with sharing your fantasies is to make a game where you and your partner take turns revealing the details of some fantasy you particularly enjoy. For example, you might start by saying “My favorite fantasy happens on a lonely, windswept tropical beach.” Your partner might say “My favorite fantasy happens here in this bed, late at night, with a thunderstorm raging.” You can then take turns drawing each other in with details, describing what happens as the fantasy goes on.

Another thing that can be a lot of fun is to talk about your fantasy during foreplay. When you feel sexy, and you and your partner are getting all turned on, describe parts of your fantasy that get you going to help make the mood even more exciting.

You can write down your sexual fantasies before you share them, like I describe here. Or, keep a fantasy journal, and write in it whenever you have a fantasy–not just the fantasy itself, but also how it turned you on.

Focus on your fantasy life, encourage the sharing of fantasies, and you’ll find your sex life gets hotter!