Asking Someone For a Threesome

(Note: This post is not about how to ask your partner about having a threesome. That’s an entirely different subject, and something I may write about later. This assumes you’ve already talked to your partner, and now the two of you are searching for a third person to have a threesome with.)

“My partner and I want to have a threesome. We’ve thought about asking a friend of ours that we are both attracted to, but I’m worried that it might make things awkward or ruin the friendship. A friend of mine asked someone he knew to have a threesome and it blew up into a big mess. We’re thinking it might be better to ask a stranger. What do you think?”

Asking a friend is something I’ve done dozens of times, and I’ve hadtoo many threesomes to count (and many foursomes, and a few dozen fivesomes, and a sixsome, and a fifteensome, and…)

Asking a friend can become a mess, sure…if the people involved have poor communication skills. But it’s the poor communication skills, not the sex or the threesome or even the idea of sex, that causes the problem.

I have seen and observed a common pattern to situations where the prospect of a threesome causes awkwardness or discomfort. Consistently, it has been my observation that the problems and awkwardness come up when people aren’t talking.

It can be really, really scary to talk openly about sex. We are raised from a young age to surround sex with shame and secrecy, so when it comes time to talking openly about it, many people become shy and clam up. That’s bad for sex in general, but it’s REALLY bad for group sex.

Not only are we not taught how to talk about sex, but we’re also taught that we’re only “supposed” to have sex in certain ways, and so it becomes even harder to talk openly about it.

So what happens before or after a threesome is people end up thinking “What does it mean? Is it supposed to change things between us now? Does it mean we can’t be friends? I’m afraid it means our friendship has changed, but I don’t want that to be true. What if it is true? I better not talk about it. Should I talk about it? What happens if her boyfriend is jealous? What happens if SHE is jealous? Should I talk about that? If I say the wrong thing, they might get jealous and yell at me. What should I say? I better not say anything, because what happens if I say the wrong thing? What if I liked it–will that make them even more jealous? What if I didn’t like it? Does that mean I’m bad in bed? Does that mean they won’t like me any more? I better not talk about whether or not I liked it, because if I say the wrong thing it might make them upset.”

The same thing can happen if you’re one of the members of the couple–”Does this mean our friendship is different? I better not mention it to her, because if I mention it to her, she might think that’s all I want her for now. What if I want it do it again? Hmm, she isn’t telling me whether or not she liked it. What does that mean? Does it mean she didn’t like it? I better not ask her how she felt about it, because what if she didn’t like it? She might think I’m pressuring her to do it again. If I say the wrong thing, she might get mad and accuse me of pressuring her. Should I even mention it at all? What if she liked it with my partner more than she liked it with me? What does that mean? Does it mean she wants to take my partner away? I better not mention that, either. What did my partner think? Did my partner like it? What if that means he isn’t satisfied with just me any more? That would be terrible! Does my partner want to dump me now? Does my partner think less of me now? That would be really awkward. I better not talk about it, because it could make me feel uncomfortable.”

Whenever you are in a situation where you don’t know what to say, or you’re afraid of how someone will react, then you are pretty much GUARANTEED to feel awkward, because you’re spending all your time dancing around land mines in your head, trying to figure out what it is and is not safe to talk about.

That’s why some people feel safer having a threesome with a stranger, because there doesn’t have to be a conversation afterward, and there isn’t that feeling of dancing around emotional land mines.

I personally don’t think that’s a good solution, though, because the problem with inviting a stranger into your bed is…now you have a stranger in your bed. Having a stranger in your bed means you can end up with a totally random grab bag of STD risk, emotional risk, neurosis, and other potential problems. Plus, in my experience, sex is better with people you already know.

The solution, though it takes a certain amount of courage if you are not already in the habit of talking openly about sex, is to get the whole thing out in the open.

“My partner and I like you, and we are thinking it could be fun to have a threesome with you. It’s OK if you say no. It’s not because we’re trying to put you on the spot, so if that’s how you feel, it’s OK for you to say so. If you don’t like the idea, hey, we’re cool. No matter what you choose, it doesn’t mean that our friendship has to be any different, unless you want it to be. If you have concerns or weird feelings about it, hey, it’s OK to talk to us about it, because we are friends first and foremost, and that’s what friends are for.”

Deliberately opening the lines of communication, making it clear that it is safe to talk about things (even negative emotions or bad experiences), and talking directly and plainly about what it means to you and your friendship, will go a long way to avoiding the kind of blowup that your friend had.