Sharing the secret room

Today’s sex tip comes a little bit late again. That’s a good thing, though; I’m working on some exciting new behind-the-scenes stuff for Weekly Sex Tip that I hope to be able to announce soon, that I think will make the site better.

Anyway, this week’s sex tip is about masturbating. Or, more specifically, masturbating in front of your partner.

This is something that many people find extraordinarily difficult to do. “My partner wants me to touch myself in front of him or her, and I just can’t” is something I hear often.

I think it’s easy to see why it’s so hard to do, when you think about it. From the earliest awakening of our sexual selves, touching yourself is an incredibly private act. Most of us first start exploring our sexualities by touching ourselves, but from the very beginning we build a secret room inside our heads where we keep our fantasies and the things we do as we explore our bodies secret.

This is a normal and healthy way to learn our bodies and ourselves, I think. And most of us, even when we begin to have sexual relationships, continue to visit this secret room regularly. Throughout our lifetimes, we visit this secret room, and we add fantasies, or private little turn-ons, or things we learn about our bodies to that room, gradually building a world of sexual touch and feelings that we usually don’t share with anyone else.

Letting someone else into that secret room can be a beautiful, intimate act. When you show your partner the little ways you touch ourself, the sounds you make when you masturbate, the tiny little changes in your expression as your hands stroke your skin, and all those hundreds of other little things, you’re expressing a willingness to share yourself that is incredibly sexy and wonderful.

But it can be very hard, especially if you’ve never done it before. Any little doubts or bits of self-consciousness you might have lurking inside yourself can become intensely strong when you think about masturbating in front of your partner. “What if he thinks I look silly?” “What if she’s bored watching what I do?” “What if I make embarrassing noises?” All those sorts of thoughts can sometimes keep us from letting anyone else into our secret rooms.

It’s so worth doing, though, no matter how hard it is. Being able to share your most private self with your partner, even though it’s scary, is beautifully intimate.

If you would like to explore being able to share that with your partner, but you find it difficult to do, there are things you can do to help make it easier.

First, become comfortable with your partner looking at you. Take off your clothes and just let your partner look at your body, even if you feel self-conscious or awkward. Sometimes, just doing that all by itself can help make self-consciousness go away.

Don’t think about it as a performance that you have to do. You are inviting your partner in to see your private self, not doing an audition for a burlesque show. It’s OK if you think you don’t do anything interesting; believe me, even if there aren’t any twirling tassels or glitter, watching a lover touch themselves is always wonderful.

Don’t make it goal-directed. Don’t assume that you have to have an orgasm or else it’s no good. The purpose is to show your partner the things that turn you on and the way that you touch yourself; you’re not making a porn flick, it’s not about the money shot.

If you feel self-conscious, start small. Think about the little things that you do when you masturbate. Run your hand over your body. If sexual fantasies are part of the way you masturbate, close your eyes and visualize one of your favorite fantasies. It’s OK if you don’t finish the entire process the first time you try it; there’s nothing wrong with welcoming your partner into your secret room bit by bit, a little more each time you do it.

Incorporate your partner’s touch into your own, if you like. Take your partner’s hand and place it on your body. Describe how your lover’s hand feels on your skin while you let your own hands wander over yourself. Don’t worry about sounding silly or contrived; don’t worry if you don’t normally scream like an Italian opera singer on the eve of the Apocalypse when you masturbate. Remember, you’re not putting on a show; you’re inviting your partner to see the real, genuine you. Theatrics are sometimes fun during sex, don’t get me wrong, but they aren’t the point here.

If you still feel self-conscious, there’s nothing wrong with saying so. If you would like to be able to show your partner how you pleasure yourself, but it’s hard to do because you feel awkward, then you can say “I’d like to show you how I touch myself but I feel a little awkward because it makes me self-conscious.” Sometimes, something that simple can really help.

If you still feel self-conscious, making it a mutual act can help too. Perhaps both of you can try touching yourselves at the same time, or perhaps you might find it easier to work it into your foreplay, and show your partner the ways you touch yourself while your partner is kissing and touching you as well.

No matter how awkward it feels at first, it becomes easier and easier to do with practice. I highly recommend it, not only for the wonderful sense of intimacy, but also because there is very little in all the world that is more sexy than watching how your lover pleasures himself or herself.