How to Kiss Like you Mean It

Kissing is one of the most basic of all sexual acts–something that’s so basic, in fact, that we seem to forget the sensuality and sexuality of a good kiss. Indeed, a kiss can set the tone for everything that comes after, and there’s nothing quite like being a good kisser to make an impression early in a relationship.

In the world of mathematics, something is said to be “fractal” if, no matter how closely you look at it, it still looks like little repetitions of itself, on any scale or at any level of magnification. The best known fractal pattern is probably the Mandelbrot set; no matter how close you zoom in on it, you see little tiny copies of itself repeating.

When you think about it, sex is fractal, too. Every individual part of sex, looked at by itself, can contain all the elements of sex…and a kiss is no exception.

The single most important part of a kiss isn’t how far you hold your mouth open or what you do with your tongue; it’s in your enthusiasm, and in the way the kiss unfolds.A sexy kiss gives an impression of your sexual desire, your sexual longing, the act of foreplay, the consummation of sex, and the afterplay, all in one.

And it involves a lot more than just your lips.

Kisses do not have to be only on the lips, of course; a sensual kiss can end up just about anywhere. But the various stages of the kiss can unfold in a similar way no matter what kind of kiss we’re talking about.

The approach to the kiss is rather like the first flirtation on the road to sex. It can be quick and sprightly, it can be gradual and sensual, it can be quiet and reserved; it’s the moving close, the building of anticipation.

The initial touch of the lips is like the first caresses of foreplay. Pay attention to how your partner responds, and don’t rush into it; let it heat up you and your partner, and communicate desire.

Foreplay begins getting hotter when the clothing starts to slip aside; and the kiss gets hotter with the first touch of the tongue. There are many ways to do this, but in most situations diving straight into sexual intercourse without a by-your-leave isn’t going to win you any awards with your partner, and shoving your tongue in isn’t usually the best way to approach a good French kiss. There is a time and a place for that, of course; but if you aren’t going for the zipless fuck, the zipless kiss probably isn’t appropriate. This part of the kiss, like foreplay, is about anticipation; let your tongue flicker lightly over your partner’s lips, asking and inviting at the same time.

And don’t forget the rest of your body! If your goal is to communicate desire (and I think that kisses which do this are the most fun!), communicate with your whole body. Let your body press against your partner’s, lightly at first, and more strongly as the kiss deepens. Don’t forget your hands, either! Hands are wonderfully expressive, when used properly; they can slide up your partner’s back, caress your partner’s hair, draw your partner into the kiss.

The parallel between deep kissing and sexual intercourse is, of course, obvious. Here, too, the best lovers and the best kissers share many things in common, not the least of which is the ability to pay attention to their partner’s responses. Observe how your partner responds, and adjust accordingly. Don’t be afraid to respond to what your partner is doing. Different people like different things–explore with your tongue deeply or gently, quickly or slowly, and pay attention to what your partner seems to like.

A kiss need not end all at once; in fact, breaking it off all at once is a bit like rolling over and going to sleep immediately after you get off. You can part lips gradually, or you can follow up a deep kiss with a small series of short, rapid kisses, or you can even linger for a moment with your lips almost-but-not-quite touching; you can leave small followup kisses on your partner’s bottom lip, if you like. You aren’t trying to set a speed record; don’t treat a kiss like a land war in Asia, where the goal is to get your objective accomplished and get out with as little collateral damage as possible.

Treat the entire kiss, beginning to end, the way you would sex itself. Make the kiss an offer, a promise, and an audition all rolled into one, and your kisses will not soon be forgotten.