Porn, sex, and relationships

When I talk to people about relationships and sex, I often hear the issue of porn being raised–usually from folks who feel concerned about a partner’s use of porn.

There are a lot of misconceptions about porn, and I think a lot of unnecessary angst and suffering get wrapped up in the idea of porn. Especially since it doesn’t need to feel threatening or cause strees in a relationship.

“Help! My boyfriend looks at porn. What should I do?” is a question I hear often, although the reverse, “my girlfriend looks at porn, what should I do?” rarely seems to come up…in spite of the fact that both men and women use porn in roughly equal numbers.

They get the porn in different ways and often have different tastes in porn; for example, men are more likely than women to buy subscriptions to porn sites or to buy porn DVDs, whereas women are far more likely than men to read written porn or to use sites such as Literotica. But the myth that porn is something that’s for men is just that; a myth. (I personally know many women whose tastes for porn far outstrip most of the men I know!)

Many of the most common problems that people have with a partner who watches or reads porn don’t really need to be problems.

The biggest problem that doesn’t really need to be a problem is “I’m afraid my partner likes the people in porn more than me. What if my partner prefers the people in porn?”

That question is easily resolved; your partner is with you. People don’t generally partner with other folks that they don’t want to be with; worrying about it is simply insecurity applied to porn, which is dealt with in much the same way that insecurity applied to anything else is dealt with.

Sometimes, when a partner likes a specific type of porn, it can become tempting to pick something about it that’s different from what you are, and focus on that; “My partner likes porn of blondes, and I’m a brunette,” or “My partner really likes porn with big-breasted people, and I have small breasts,” or whatever. Since everyone in the world is different, it’s possible, if you look hard enough, to find something about your partner’s taste in porn that doesn’t match you, and focus on that as “proof” that your partner doesn’t really want to be with you.

But at the end of the day, your partner is with you; that’s what matters.

Another common issue I’ve seen is when someone is afraid that their partner will want to bring some element of porn into the bedroom. “My partner likes group sex orgy porn with lots of gang bangs; does that mean she wants to have a gang bang, and I’m not good enough?” is one question I’ve heard.

Think about your own sexual fantasies, though. Would you necessarily want to explore all of them? Porn is fun in part because it is different from real life! A person who watches James Bond movies isn’t going to quit his job as a stockbroker and work for MI5, and a person who likes gang bang porn isn’t going to quit her relationship so that she can be in the middle of an orgy. James Bond movies and gang bang porn are fun to watch BECAUSE they’re not real!

And just because your partner likes tentacle hentai doesn’t mean he’s going to leave you to become an animated Japanese schoolgirl.

Something that can happen in a relationship, and I’ve seen real cases of, is that a person can seem to prefer porn to real sex, and even turn down sex to watch porn instead. In the cases I’ve personally seen where this has happened, though, the porn hasn’t been the problem; it’s been a symptom of the problem. Something was wrong in the relationship that made sex not very much fun, and the porn became more fun than the sex. The solution was not to get rid of the porn, but rather to fix the problem in the relationship.

That may be a subject for its own post, though.

As with anything else, the single best approach to dealing with questions or concerns about porn in a relationship is to talk openly with your partner about it. If you feel threatened or jealous because of the porn, say so. Even if you think the feelings are silly! “Look, I know that this is just my own insecurity acting up, but it still feels real to me, so can you reassure me that you’re not watching porn because you don’t think I’m attractive?” is a perfectly reasonable way to approach the conversation, if that’s the way you feel.

Similarly, if you’re concerned about the way that porn might change your partner’s expectations or sexual desires, talk about that too! Do so in a way that isn’t accusatory or blaming; after all, your partner isn’t the enemy.

And finally, another tool that can defuse problems around porn is to make it an activity that you can share together. There are places that specialize in “couples porn,” though personally I think it’s better (and more fun!) to talk to your partner about what you might like to see and what your partner might like to see and go from there; not all couples have the same tastes, after all.

Don’t worry if it seems like it might be awkward; everything new is awkward, after all. Don’t worry if you think you can’t make it through with a straight face; if you can’t laugh at cheesy dialog, what can you laugh at? And even if it is cheesy and silly, you might just find that it gets your motor running anyway, and turns into fun sexy time with your partner.

And who can complain about that?