Anal sex. Some people love it, some people hate it, some people are afraid it will turn them gay. Whatever the opinion, though, you can’t talk about sex for long without someone mentioning anal, so this week I’m going to write about the butt.

When most people think anal sex, they usually think of a guy doing it to a girl. Which is a shame, really, because the male anatomy is set up in such a way that it’s easier for men to enjoy receiving it than it is for women.
Unfortunately, we live in a society that makes anything dealing with rear entry taboo for a very large number of men. I say “unfortunately” because there are a whole lot of guys who are seriously concerned that if their girlfriend puts her finger there, suddenly they’ll become gay and, I don’t know, start cruising men’s bathrooms at the Park ‘N’ Ride for sex or something. And hey, if that’s your thing, that’s cool–the idea is that if it isn’t your thing, a finger up your ass won’t make it your thing, y’know?
The reality is a whole lot simpler; “gay” is “of or related to sex between members of the same sex,” so anything a guy and a girl do together can’t possibly be gay by definition. And, of course, there’s the whole thing that doing something that someone else also does won’t turn you into that other person; straight couples do oral, so if a gay male couple does oral on each other, does that make them straight? Come to think of it, you keep a car in your garage, so will standing in a garage turn you into a car?
Okay, that last one was a little over the top. Ahem. But you get the idea, I hope.
Regardless of who you are, who your partner is, or what your orientation is, anal sex can actually be a lot of fun, for both giver and receiver. I’m a big fan of strap-on sex myself, and really enjoy when my partner bends me over the bed. Or, you know, the kitchen table.
Speaking of which, I should probably talk a little bit about positions for anal sex. When most folks think “anal,” they usually think “doggy style,” but it’s actually a lot easier (especially if you’re a newbie) to do it in missionary position or spooning, with you lying on your side and your partner lying on his or her side in front of you. For these purposes, I’m assuming that the “you” in question is the giver; if you’re the receiver, just turn the pronouns around in your head.
The single greatest fear that most folk have about anal sex is that it will hurt. In fact, there is a common assumption that anal sex will always hurt, and there’s no way to do it without pain, which again is unfortunate because nothing could be further from the truth. Properly done, anal sex can be 100% painless, which suggests to me that there’s a whole lot of people who are not doing it properly.
How to make anal sex painless:
First, it’s helpful to know a little about the anatomy. There isn’t just one sphincter muscle in the anus, there are two. The second is about half an inch or so in from the first. These muscles don’t work quite like the muscles you’re used to, like say the muscles in your arm. Their default state is to be tightly closed; when you relax your body, they close up, and you have to do work to make them relax.
As counter-intuitive as it seems, you must exert effort to get them to open up. One helpful technique is to push down, which will tend to make them dilate. I say this is counter-intuitive because you wouldn’t think that pushing down is a good way to get something up, but it is.
For folks who aren’t experienced, seasoned anal sex recipients, it’s usually a good idea to start with a finger before jumping into penetration with a dildo or a penis or whatever. The best way I’ve found to do this is not to push the tip of the finger straight in. Rather, touch the anus with the pad of oyur finger, and move it around a bit. Let your partner relax and press against your finger. When you feel the sphincter start to open, only then do you begin to press your finger in–and only as far as your partner will accept it easily.
Lube is a big deal, and I mean a biiiig deal. You will want to use it. And don’t be stingy! Use quite a bit, then use some more. You can squirt it directly onto the pad of your finger and also directly onto your partner.
When the tip of your finger is in, don’t try to just shove it the rest of the way home. Remember that second sphincter I mentioned? You’ll encounter it quickly. Wriggle your fingertip, go slow, and let your partner focus on pressing up against you to open it up, too. (Letting your partner control the speed and depth of the penetration, especially the first few times, will go a long way toward making an experience that your partner will enjoy. Making an experience your partner enjoys goes a long way toward getting to play again.)
Wriggle the tip of your finger, but don’t shove. You’ll feel when the muscle relaxes, because you will feel the resistance ease up and your finger will be able to slide deeper.
When it comes time to use something other than a finger, the same ideas apply. Start by pressing whatever it is you’ll be using against the entrance, move it around a bit, don’t just shove it in, use lots of lube.
Almost anyone you talk to about anal sex will tell you to go slow. This is one of the places where folks fall down. “Go slow” does not mean “spend thirty seconds getting it in.” It doesn’t even mean “spend two minutes getting it in” It means taking as long as it takes–even if that means thirty minutes just to get it past the first sphincter! You aren’t Mario Andretti, and there’s no prize waiting for the fastest competitor. Be willing to allocate as much time as it takes.
If there is pain, stop. Immediately. And remove whatever is in there. The pain will fade after the penetrating object is removed, but it isn’t likely to go away as long as it’s still there. So take it out, have your partner breathe for a while, and don’t start again until whatever pain there was goes away. If you’re taking your time, there shouldn’t be any pain, but if you get too carried away and go too fast, stop, withdraw, and start again.
And did I mention lube? You’ll need lots of it.
I personally prefer water-based lube like good old-fashioned KY jelly. Some people prefer silicone lubes like Gun Oil Silicone. The water-based lubes can dry out, but are easily reactivated by adding water. They’re also cheaper. Silicone lubes last longer but are harder to wash off when you’re done. Whatever; it’s really a matter of personal preference.
Some folks worry about mess. Generally there shouldn’t be much, if any, as long as your partner doesn’t actively have to use the bathroom at the time. If you’re worried, use condoms, finger cots, or both; problem solved.
And there you go! Relax, go slow, don’t press any faster than your partner is able to take, pay attention to your partner and the way she (or he!) is responding, and you’ll be well on the way to making it fun for both of you.