Anything can, when it comes right down to it, be used as a sex toy, and I do mean anything. Dental floss? Easy! Chocolate pie? No problem! In fact, just to prove the point, today I’m going to talk about how to use a simple quarter (or, for those of you who aren’t in the United States, any other coin) to make sex hotter.

This is a fun, simple 2-player game that starts with you, your partner, and a coin. At the start of the game, both players should be fully dressed.

Player 1 starts the game by flipping the coin. If the result is heads, then Player 1 gets to tell Player 2 to do something to him or her. If the result is tails, Player 1 gets to tell Player 2 something that Player 2 does to herself or himself. The rules are that whatever this act is, it can’t involve removing clothing, it can’t involve going under clothing, it can’t take more than a couple of minutes to do, and it can’t lead to orgasm. Simple, yes?

Some ideas might involve kissing, fondling, stroking, making out, massaging, pinching, tickling, pinching, or pretty much anything else Player 1 would like done or would like to see Player 2 do to himself or herself.

After this has been done, Player 1 flips the coin twice. If the result is two heads in a row, Player 1 loses an article of clothing; if the result is two tails in a row, Player 2 loses an article of clothing; otherwise, nothing happens. For this game, an article of clothing can be shoes and socks (which together count as a single item); shirt (and bra, if the person is wearing one); pants or skirt; and finally, underwear. All paired items count as one item of clothing, and no, jewelry and glasses don’t count. Sorry.

Then it’s Player 2’s turn, and the same rules apply. Player 2 flips the coin; heads, Player 2 tells Player 1 to do something to her or him; tails, Player 2 gets to instruct Player 1 to do something to himself or herself for Player 2’s enjoyment. No going under clothing, nothing lasting more than a couple of minutes, no getting off, anything else is fair game…you get the idea.

Then, Player 2 flips the coin twice. Two heads in a row, Player 2 loses an article of clothing; two tails, Player 1 loses an article of clothing; otherwise, nothing. And the game continues.

Keep playing until you’re both naked and so worked up that you can’t stand it any more.

So in last week’s tip, I discussed the ways to enjoy anal sex without hurting your partner. I mentioned in passing a couple of different types of lubes you can use for this, so this week I’d like to talk more about the slippery stuff.

Some folks find the notion of using lube for sex a little intimidating. The way I see it, life is full of annoying, unpleasant things to deal with as it is; sex shouldn’t be one of them. Lube is fun! The slippery bits get even better when they’re more slippery.

There are a lot, and I mean a lot, of different kinds of lubes on the market. All of them fall into one of only a few basic categories, though: water-based, silicone, and oil-based. All the various textures, brands, kinds, and thicknesses of lube is going to be one of the three.

Water-based lubes
This is your basic, old-fashioned generic sex lube. It’s cheap, you can get it at a grocery or drug store, and it works. Good old-fashioned KY jelly is water-based lube.

Some water-based lubricants contain glycerine, which is an organic chemical compound similar to sugar. (If you want to get technical, it’s a sugar alcohol, essentially a sugar molecule with a hydroxyl group on the end.) Bacteria can’t use sugar alcohols for food, but some people claim that yeast can. I haven’t seen any evidence to support it myself, but I have heard claims that for folks who are really prone to yeast infections, lubes containing glycerine can promote a yeast infection and should be avoided.

Fortunately, there are a lot of water-based lubes that don’t contain glycerine. One of the most popular, and one I’m quite fond of, is Astroglide Glycerine Free, which is very slippery, stays that way for a while, and does the job quite nicely.

Among the absolute best of water-based lubes is Liquid Silk, which is specifically designed to avoid yeast infections. It’s a bit more expansive per ounce, but it has all sorts of skin conditioners in it as well.

Warming lubes are generally water-based. Whether or not you will like these depends a great deal on personal taste; I know some folks who swear by them and some folks who swear at them. They create a sensation of warmth when used. KY makes warming lube (in both liquid and jelly format), as well as a warming massage and sex lube as well. The latter is very, very mildly warming–frankly, I can’t even tell–so if you’re curious about warming lubes but you want to try something with a very mild effect, it might be a good place to start.

Pros: Water-based lubes can be used any time and with any kind of condom, any kind of toy, or whatever you want. They wash off easily, they don’t stain, and they are non-toxic. That’s the good news.

Cons: The bad news is that they can get sticky when they start to dry. A lot of folks don’t like water-based lubes for anal sex for that reason. I find that they still work well, especially if you keep them wet; one of the nice things about water-based lubes is that if they get sticky, adding a sprinkle of water will bring them right back. I almost always use water-based lubes myself.

Silicone-based lubes
Silicone lunes are, in the words of a friend of mine, like Teflon coating for people. You put a little tiny bit of silicone lube on some bit you want to be slippery, and it will get, and stay, slippery, oh yes. It’s more expensive ounce for ounce than water-based lubes, but you really don’t need very much of it.

Most silicone-based lubes that I’ve tried tend to be pretty thin. There have been a few silicone-based gels on the market recently, but a lot of the better known brands, like WET Platinum, is pretty thin.

One of the most popular makers of silicone lube is a company called Pjur, which makes both liquid and gel versions. They also make a silicone lube specifically for anal sex that they call “Analyze Me”.

Pros: Silicone lube never dries out, and I mean never. It doesn’t get sticky or tacky, and it’s almost impossible to wear out. It is compatible with condoms and with most toys. And, it’s waterproof! If you want to have sex in the tub or the shower but you’re worried that you won’t stay slippery, silicone lubes are your salvation. But…

Cons: …it’s expensive. And “most toys” doesn’t mean “all toys.” In particular, you can not use it with silicone sex toys; you’ll destroy them. (ID Millennium is a silicone lube that is claimed to be compatible with 100% medical-grade silicone sex toys, though it can and will damage lower-grade silicone toys. I still recommend not using any silicone lube with silicone toys. Stick with water-based lubes for silicone sex toys.) It also tends to be pretty tough to wash off, on account of that whole “waterproof” part.

Oil-based lube
These include most massage oils, some lotions, Vaseline, and so on.

In my experience, oil-based lubes just plain aren’t good as sex lubes. They are not compatible with latex, and will destroy latex condoms. Some women find them to be very unpleasant when used vaginally.

There is a type of oil-based lube on the market called “Elegance Woman’s Lubricant” that’s supposedly fine for vaginal sex, as long as you aren’t using a latex condom. I haven’t ever experimented with it, so I can’t really say much about it one way or the other. In general, I tend to avoid anything oil-based for sex.

Pros: None that I have found.

Cons: Hard to clean up, can destroy latex condoms.

Some lubes are specifically sold as beig designed for anal sex. Generally, these are going to be water or silicone based lubes in thicker formulations, though occasionally they are also marketed with topical anesthetics in them as well, supposedly to help prevent pain during anal sex.

Frankly, this strikes me as being a profoundly bad idea. Properly done, anal sex shouldn’t be painful; and if it isn’t done right, it seems to me that the last thing you’d want to do is numb the area, which might prevent you from realizing that something is causing actual injury.

Anal sex. Some people love it, some people hate it, some people are afraid it will turn them gay. Whatever the opinion, though, you can’t talk about sex for long without someone mentioning anal, so this week I’m going to write about the butt.

When most people think anal sex, they usually think of a guy doing it to a girl. Which is a shame, really, because the male anatomy is set up in such a way that it’s easier for men to enjoy receiving it than it is for women.

Unfortunately, we live in a society that makes anything dealing with rear entry taboo for a very large number of men. I say “unfortunately” because there are a whole lot of guys who are seriously concerned that if their girlfriend puts her finger there, suddenly they’ll become gay and, I don’t know, start cruising men’s bathrooms at the Park ‘N’ Ride for sex or something. And hey, if that’s your thing, that’s cool–the idea is that if it isn’t your thing, a finger up your ass won’t make it your thing, y’know?

The reality is a whole lot simpler; “gay” is “of or related to sex between members of the same sex,” so anything a guy and a girl do together can’t possibly be gay by definition. And, of course, there’s the whole thing that doing something that someone else also does won’t turn you into that other person; straight couples do oral, so if a gay male couple does oral on each other, does that make them straight? Come to think of it, you keep a car in your garage, so will standing in a garage turn you into a car?

Okay, that last one was a little over the top. Ahem. But you get the idea, I hope.

Regardless of who you are, who your partner is, or what your orientation is, anal sex can actually be a lot of fun, for both giver and receiver. I’m a big fan of strap-on sex myself, and really enjoy when my partner bends me over the bed. Or, you know, the kitchen table.

Speaking of which, I should probably talk a little bit about positions for anal sex. When most folks think “anal,” they usually think “doggy style,” but it’s actually a lot easier (especially if you’re a newbie) to do it in missionary position or spooning, with you lying on your side and your partner lying on his or her side in front of you. For these purposes, I’m assuming that the “you” in question is the giver; if you’re the receiver, just turn the pronouns around in your head.

The single greatest fear that most folk have about anal sex is that it will hurt. In fact, there is a common assumption that anal sex will always hurt, and there’s no way to do it without pain, which again is unfortunate because nothing could be further from the truth. Properly done, anal sex can be 100% painless, which suggests to me that there’s a whole lot of people who are not doing it properly.

How to make anal sex painless:

First, it’s helpful to know a little about the anatomy. There isn’t just one sphincter muscle in the anus, there are two. The second is about half an inch or so in from the first. These muscles don’t work quite like the muscles you’re used to, like say the muscles in your arm. Their default state is to be tightly closed; when you relax your body, they close up, and you have to do work to make them relax.

As counter-intuitive as it seems, you must exert effort to get them to open up. One helpful technique is to push down, which will tend to make them dilate. I say this is counter-intuitive because you wouldn’t think that pushing down is a good way to get something up, but it is.

For folks who aren’t experienced, seasoned anal sex recipients, it’s usually a good idea to start with a finger before jumping into penetration with a dildo or a penis or whatever. The best way I’ve found to do this is not to push the tip of the finger straight in. Rather, touch the anus with the pad of oyur finger, and move it around a bit. Let your partner relax and press against your finger. When you feel the sphincter start to open, only then do you begin to press your finger in–and only as far as your partner will accept it easily.

Lube is a big deal, and I mean a biiiig deal. You will want to use it. And don’t be stingy! Use quite a bit, then use some more. You can squirt it directly onto the pad of your finger and also directly onto your partner.

When the tip of your finger is in, don’t try to just shove it the rest of the way home. Remember that second sphincter I mentioned? You’ll encounter it quickly. Wriggle your fingertip, go slow, and let your partner focus on pressing up against you to open it up, too. (Letting your partner control the speed and depth of the penetration, especially the first few times, will go a long way toward making an experience that your partner will enjoy. Making an experience your partner enjoys goes a long way toward getting to play again.)

Wriggle the tip of your finger, but don’t shove. You’ll feel when the muscle relaxes, because you will feel the resistance ease up and your finger will be able to slide deeper.

When it comes time to use something other than a finger, the same ideas apply. Start by pressing whatever it is you’ll be using against the entrance, move it around a bit, don’t just shove it in, use lots of lube.

Almost anyone you talk to about anal sex will tell you to go slow. This is one of the places where folks fall down. “Go slow” does not mean “spend thirty seconds getting it in.” It doesn’t even mean “spend two minutes getting it in” It means taking as long as it takes–even if that means thirty minutes just to get it past the first sphincter! You aren’t Mario Andretti, and there’s no prize waiting for the fastest competitor. Be willing to allocate as much time as it takes.

If there is pain, stop. Immediately. And remove whatever is in there. The pain will fade after the penetrating object is removed, but it isn’t likely to go away as long as it’s still there. So take it out, have your partner breathe for a while, and don’t start again until whatever pain there was goes away. If you’re taking your time, there shouldn’t be any pain, but if you get too carried away and go too fast, stop, withdraw, and start again.

And did I mention lube? You’ll need lots of it.

I personally prefer water-based lube like good old-fashioned KY jelly. Some people prefer silicone lubes like Gun Oil Silicone. The water-based lubes can dry out, but are easily reactivated by adding water. They’re also cheaper. Silicone lubes last longer but are harder to wash off when you’re done. Whatever; it’s really a matter of personal preference.

Some folks worry about mess. Generally there shouldn’t be much, if any, as long as your partner doesn’t actively have to use the bathroom at the time. If you’re worried, use condoms, finger cots, or both; problem solved.

And there you go! Relax, go slow, don’t press any faster than your partner is able to take, pay attention to your partner and the way she (or he!) is responding, and you’ll be well on the way to making it fun for both of you.

(Note: This post is not about how to ask your partner about having a threesome. That’s an entirely different subject, and something I may write about later. This assumes you’ve already talked to your partner, and now the two of you are searching for a third person to have a threesome with.)

“My partner and I want to have a threesome. We’ve thought about asking a friend of ours that we are both attracted to, but I’m worried that it might make things awkward or ruin the friendship. A friend of mine asked someone he knew to have a threesome and it blew up into a big mess. We’re thinking it might be better to ask a stranger. What do you think?”

Asking a friend is something I’ve done dozens of times, and I’ve hadtoo many threesomes to count (and many foursomes, and a few dozen fivesomes, and a sixsome, and a fifteensome, and…)

Asking a friend can become a mess, sure…if the people involved have poor communication skills. But it’s the poor communication skills, not the sex or the threesome or even the idea of sex, that causes the problem.

I have seen and observed a common pattern to situations where the prospect of a threesome causes awkwardness or discomfort. Consistently, it has been my observation that the problems and awkwardness come up when people aren’t talking.

It can be really, really scary to talk openly about sex. We are raised from a young age to surround sex with shame and secrecy, so when it comes time to talking openly about it, many people become shy and clam up. That’s bad for sex in general, but it’s REALLY bad for group sex.

Not only are we not taught how to talk about sex, but we’re also taught that we’re only “supposed” to have sex in certain ways, and so it becomes even harder to talk openly about it.

So what happens before or after a threesome is people end up thinking “What does it mean? Is it supposed to change things between us now? Does it mean we can’t be friends? I’m afraid it means our friendship has changed, but I don’t want that to be true. What if it is true? I better not talk about it. Should I talk about it? What happens if her boyfriend is jealous? What happens if SHE is jealous? Should I talk about that? If I say the wrong thing, they might get jealous and yell at me. What should I say? I better not say anything, because what happens if I say the wrong thing? What if I liked it–will that make them even more jealous? What if I didn’t like it? Does that mean I’m bad in bed? Does that mean they won’t like me any more? I better not talk about whether or not I liked it, because if I say the wrong thing it might make them upset.”

The same thing can happen if you’re one of the members of the couple–”Does this mean our friendship is different? I better not mention it to her, because if I mention it to her, she might think that’s all I want her for now. What if I want it do it again? Hmm, she isn’t telling me whether or not she liked it. What does that mean? Does it mean she didn’t like it? I better not ask her how she felt about it, because what if she didn’t like it? She might think I’m pressuring her to do it again. If I say the wrong thing, she might get mad and accuse me of pressuring her. Should I even mention it at all? What if she liked it with my partner more than she liked it with me? What does that mean? Does it mean she wants to take my partner away? I better not mention that, either. What did my partner think? Did my partner like it? What if that means he isn’t satisfied with just me any more? That would be terrible! Does my partner want to dump me now? Does my partner think less of me now? That would be really awkward. I better not talk about it, because it could make me feel uncomfortable.”

Whenever you are in a situation where you don’t know what to say, or you’re afraid of how someone will react, then you are pretty much GUARANTEED to feel awkward, because you’re spending all your time dancing around land mines in your head, trying to figure out what it is and is not safe to talk about.

That’s why some people feel safer having a threesome with a stranger, because there doesn’t have to be a conversation afterward, and there isn’t that feeling of dancing around emotional land mines.

I personally don’t think that’s a good solution, though, because the problem with inviting a stranger into your bed is…now you have a stranger in your bed. Having a stranger in your bed means you can end up with a totally random grab bag of STD risk, emotional risk, neurosis, and other potential problems. Plus, in my experience, sex is better with people you already know.

The solution, though it takes a certain amount of courage if you are not already in the habit of talking openly about sex, is to get the whole thing out in the open.

“My partner and I like you, and we are thinking it could be fun to have a threesome with you. It’s OK if you say no. It’s not because we’re trying to put you on the spot, so if that’s how you feel, it’s OK for you to say so. If you don’t like the idea, hey, we’re cool. No matter what you choose, it doesn’t mean that our friendship has to be any different, unless you want it to be. If you have concerns or weird feelings about it, hey, it’s OK to talk to us about it, because we are friends first and foremost, and that’s what friends are for.”

Deliberately opening the lines of communication, making it clear that it is safe to talk about things (even negative emotions or bad experiences), and talking directly and plainly about what it means to you and your friendship, will go a long way to avoiding the kind of blowup that your friend had.

Today’s sex tip comes a little bit late again. That’s a good thing, though; I’m working on some exciting new behind-the-scenes stuff for Weekly Sex Tip that I hope to be able to announce soon, that I think will make the site better.

Anyway, this week’s sex tip is about masturbating. Or, more specifically, masturbating in front of your partner.

This is something that many people find extraordinarily difficult to do. “My partner wants me to touch myself in front of him or her, and I just can’t” is something I hear often.

I think it’s easy to see why it’s so hard to do, when you think about it. From the earliest awakening of our sexual selves, touching yourself is an incredibly private act. Most of us first start exploring our sexualities by touching ourselves, but from the very beginning we build a secret room inside our heads where we keep our fantasies and the things we do as we explore our bodies secret.

This is a normal and healthy way to learn our bodies and ourselves, I think. And most of us, even when we begin to have sexual relationships, continue to visit this secret room regularly. Throughout our lifetimes, we visit this secret room, and we add fantasies, or private little turn-ons, or things we learn about our bodies to that room, gradually building a world of sexual touch and feelings that we usually don’t share with anyone else.

Letting someone else into that secret room can be a beautiful, intimate act. When you show your partner the little ways you touch ourself, the sounds you make when you masturbate, the tiny little changes in your expression as your hands stroke your skin, and all those hundreds of other little things, you’re expressing a willingness to share yourself that is incredibly sexy and wonderful.

But it can be very hard, especially if you’ve never done it before. Any little doubts or bits of self-consciousness you might have lurking inside yourself can become intensely strong when you think about masturbating in front of your partner. “What if he thinks I look silly?” “What if she’s bored watching what I do?” “What if I make embarrassing noises?” All those sorts of thoughts can sometimes keep us from letting anyone else into our secret rooms.

It’s so worth doing, though, no matter how hard it is. Being able to share your most private self with your partner, even though it’s scary, is beautifully intimate.

If you would like to explore being able to share that with your partner, but you find it difficult to do, there are things you can do to help make it easier.

First, become comfortable with your partner looking at you. Take off your clothes and just let your partner look at your body, even if you feel self-conscious or awkward. Sometimes, just doing that all by itself can help make self-consciousness go away.

Don’t think about it as a performance that you have to do. You are inviting your partner in to see your private self, not doing an audition for a burlesque show. It’s OK if you think you don’t do anything interesting; believe me, even if there aren’t any twirling tassels or glitter, watching a lover touch themselves is always wonderful.

Don’t make it goal-directed. Don’t assume that you have to have an orgasm or else it’s no good. The purpose is to show your partner the things that turn you on and the way that you touch yourself; you’re not making a porn flick, it’s not about the money shot.

If you feel self-conscious, start small. Think about the little things that you do when you masturbate. Run your hand over your body. If sexual fantasies are part of the way you masturbate, close your eyes and visualize one of your favorite fantasies. It’s OK if you don’t finish the entire process the first time you try it; there’s nothing wrong with welcoming your partner into your secret room bit by bit, a little more each time you do it.

Incorporate your partner’s touch into your own, if you like. Take your partner’s hand and place it on your body. Describe how your lover’s hand feels on your skin while you let your own hands wander over yourself. Don’t worry about sounding silly or contrived; don’t worry if you don’t normally scream like an Italian opera singer on the eve of the Apocalypse when you masturbate. Remember, you’re not putting on a show; you’re inviting your partner to see the real, genuine you. Theatrics are sometimes fun during sex, don’t get me wrong, but they aren’t the point here.

If you still feel self-conscious, there’s nothing wrong with saying so. If you would like to be able to show your partner how you pleasure yourself, but it’s hard to do because you feel awkward, then you can say “I’d like to show you how I touch myself but I feel a little awkward because it makes me self-conscious.” Sometimes, something that simple can really help.

If you still feel self-conscious, making it a mutual act can help too. Perhaps both of you can try touching yourselves at the same time, or perhaps you might find it easier to work it into your foreplay, and show your partner the ways you touch yourself while your partner is kissing and touching you as well.

No matter how awkward it feels at first, it becomes easier and easier to do with practice. I highly recommend it, not only for the wonderful sense of intimacy, but also because there is very little in all the world that is more sexy than watching how your lover pleasures himself or herself.

I’ve always been a big fan of sex toys, and I have a fairly significant collection of them. But sometimes, dedicated, special-purpose sex toys either aren’t available or aren’t affordable.

Well, fear not! With a little imagination, all kinds of interesting pervertables are all around you!

If you have some condoms handy, you already have the makings of some fun and interesting dildos. A quick, easy sex toy can be made from just a condom and a washcloth. Soak the washcloth in hot water, roll it up tightly, slide a condom over it, and you have an instant hot dildo, ready to go!

Another idea along the same lines is to fill a condom with barley and tie it closed. You can add as much or as little as you like, to control the thickness of the finished dildo. Once you’ve tied it shut, pop it in the microwave for just a few seconds (don’t overdo it, you don’t want to get it TOO hot!) and you have a dildo that will retain heat for a nice long time.

Got a bunch of marbles? Fill a condom with them for an interesting bumpy sensation.

A condom placed over a hairbrush handle can make for an interesting improvised sex toy. Hair brushes come in a huge variety of sizes and shapes, each offering a different range of sensation.

Electric toothbrushes make for popular improvised vibrators or clit stimulators. Just be sure to keep a separate head only for playtime purposes!

And while we’re on the subject, a small amount of toothpaste applied to the clit gives you the same tingling, arousing reaction of those so-called “arousal gels” at a tiny fraction of the price.

You can find candles in all sorts of different sizes. Carve down the end into a pleasing rounded shape, slip a condom over it, and go to town! For extra fun, carve ridges, notches, or bumps into it first.

Got any more? Want to share a particular favorite? Let me know!

There are a number of games on the market that are variations of the old “Memory” card game, where you lay out a set of cards face-down, then flip two of them over to see what they are. If they match, you remove them; if they don’t, you turn them face-down and flip over two othes. The goal is to try to remember where all the cards are, and to clear all the cards in the fewest number of moves. Simple, right?

Most folks can remember somewhere between five and nine bits of information easily; more than that and it starts getting difficult. Which is where this week’s tip starts.

I am, as I’ve mentioned before, a big fan of writing and drawing on a lover’s body, as a wonderfully tactile and sensual form of play. A friend of mine shares this love, and has taken it a step further to turn it into a delightful little game for lovers.

Start with your partner nude in front of you. Choose a list of words; anything you like, such as “aardvark,” “lemon,” snowshoe,” and so on. Write the words in various places on your lover’s body–butt, back, belly, thigh, chest, wherever you like.

Then, blindfold your lover. The object of the game is to touch your lover, and have him or her tell you what word you’re touching. The more words you write, the harder this gets, of course.

Each success can be rewarded, with a kiss or a stroke or a fondle or whatever you like. Each failure is punished, perhaps by a smack on the ass or a nipple tweak or whatever else strikes your fancy. Keep count of the successes and failures; at the end of the game, which can last for as long as you want, your lover can earn some large reward (like an orgasm, perhaps) if there were more success than failures, or some final punishment (such as being teased and not allowed to reach orgasm, or being turned over your knee for a paddling, or whatever else seems like an adequate punishment) if there were more failures than successes.

You can make the game as sensual as you want! If you enjoy sensation play, try touching the words on your lover’s body with a feather, or a soft bit of cloth, or the end of a wooden bamboo skewer. If temperature play is your thing, using an ice cube to touch your partner might work well. Mix it up, and vary the things you touch your lover with! This helps keep him or her off-balance, and adds just that little extra bit of difficulty to the game.

Kissing is one of the most basic of all sexual acts–something that’s so basic, in fact, that we seem to forget the sensuality and sexuality of a good kiss. Indeed, a kiss can set the tone for everything that comes after, and there’s nothing quite like being a good kisser to make an impression early in a relationship.

In the world of mathematics, something is said to be “fractal” if, no matter how closely you look at it, it still looks like little repetitions of itself, on any scale or at any level of magnification. The best known fractal pattern is probably the Mandelbrot set; no matter how close you zoom in on it, you see little tiny copies of itself repeating.

When you think about it, sex is fractal, too. Every individual part of sex, looked at by itself, can contain all the elements of sex…and a kiss is no exception.

The single most important part of a kiss isn’t how far you hold your mouth open or what you do with your tongue; it’s in your enthusiasm, and in the way the kiss unfolds.A sexy kiss gives an impression of your sexual desire, your sexual longing, the act of foreplay, the consummation of sex, and the afterplay, all in one.

And it involves a lot more than just your lips.

Kisses do not have to be only on the lips, of course; a sensual kiss can end up just about anywhere. But the various stages of the kiss can unfold in a similar way no matter what kind of kiss we’re talking about.

The approach to the kiss is rather like the first flirtation on the road to sex. It can be quick and sprightly, it can be gradual and sensual, it can be quiet and reserved; it’s the moving close, the building of anticipation.

The initial touch of the lips is like the first caresses of foreplay. Pay attention to how your partner responds, and don’t rush into it; let it heat up you and your partner, and communicate desire.

Foreplay begins getting hotter when the clothing starts to slip aside; and the kiss gets hotter with the first touch of the tongue. There are many ways to do this, but in most situations diving straight into sexual intercourse without a by-your-leave isn’t going to win you any awards with your partner, and shoving your tongue in isn’t usually the best way to approach a good French kiss. There is a time and a place for that, of course; but if you aren’t going for the zipless fuck, the zipless kiss probably isn’t appropriate. This part of the kiss, like foreplay, is about anticipation; let your tongue flicker lightly over your partner’s lips, asking and inviting at the same time.

And don’t forget the rest of your body! If your goal is to communicate desire (and I think that kisses which do this are the most fun!), communicate with your whole body. Let your body press against your partner’s, lightly at first, and more strongly as the kiss deepens. Don’t forget your hands, either! Hands are wonderfully expressive, when used properly; they can slide up your partner’s back, caress your partner’s hair, draw your partner into the kiss.

The parallel between deep kissing and sexual intercourse is, of course, obvious. Here, too, the best lovers and the best kissers share many things in common, not the least of which is the ability to pay attention to their partner’s responses. Observe how your partner responds, and adjust accordingly. Don’t be afraid to respond to what your partner is doing. Different people like different things–explore with your tongue deeply or gently, quickly or slowly, and pay attention to what your partner seems to like.

A kiss need not end all at once; in fact, breaking it off all at once is a bit like rolling over and going to sleep immediately after you get off. You can part lips gradually, or you can follow up a deep kiss with a small series of short, rapid kisses, or you can even linger for a moment with your lips almost-but-not-quite touching; you can leave small followup kisses on your partner’s bottom lip, if you like. You aren’t trying to set a speed record; don’t treat a kiss like a land war in Asia, where the goal is to get your objective accomplished and get out with as little collateral damage as possible.

Treat the entire kiss, beginning to end, the way you would sex itself. Make the kiss an offer, a promise, and an audition all rolled into one, and your kisses will not soon be forgotten.

When I talk to people about relationships and sex, I often hear the issue of porn being raised–usually from folks who feel concerned about a partner’s use of porn.

There are a lot of misconceptions about porn, and I think a lot of unnecessary angst and suffering get wrapped up in the idea of porn. Especially since it doesn’t need to feel threatening or cause strees in a relationship.

“Help! My boyfriend looks at porn. What should I do?” is a question I hear often, although the reverse, “my girlfriend looks at porn, what should I do?” rarely seems to come up…in spite of the fact that both men and women use porn in roughly equal numbers.

They get the porn in different ways and often have different tastes in porn; for example, men are more likely than women to buy subscriptions to porn sites or to buy porn DVDs, whereas women are far more likely than men to read written porn or to use sites such as Literotica. But the myth that porn is something that’s for men is just that; a myth. (I personally know many women whose tastes for porn far outstrip most of the men I know!)

Many of the most common problems that people have with a partner who watches or reads porn don’t really need to be problems.

The biggest problem that doesn’t really need to be a problem is “I’m afraid my partner likes the people in porn more than me. What if my partner prefers the people in porn?”

That question is easily resolved; your partner is with you. People don’t generally partner with other folks that they don’t want to be with; worrying about it is simply insecurity applied to porn, which is dealt with in much the same way that insecurity applied to anything else is dealt with.

Sometimes, when a partner likes a specific type of porn, it can become tempting to pick something about it that’s different from what you are, and focus on that; “My partner likes porn of blondes, and I’m a brunette,” or “My partner really likes porn with big-breasted people, and I have small breasts,” or whatever. Since everyone in the world is different, it’s possible, if you look hard enough, to find something about your partner’s taste in porn that doesn’t match you, and focus on that as “proof” that your partner doesn’t really want to be with you.

But at the end of the day, your partner is with you; that’s what matters.

Another common issue I’ve seen is when someone is afraid that their partner will want to bring some element of porn into the bedroom. “My partner likes group sex orgy porn with lots of gang bangs; does that mean she wants to have a gang bang, and I’m not good enough?” is one question I’ve heard.

Think about your own sexual fantasies, though. Would you necessarily want to explore all of them? Porn is fun in part because it is different from real life! A person who watches James Bond movies isn’t going to quit his job as a stockbroker and work for MI5, and a person who likes gang bang porn isn’t going to quit her relationship so that she can be in the middle of an orgy. James Bond movies and gang bang porn are fun to watch BECAUSE they’re not real!

And just because your partner likes tentacle hentai doesn’t mean he’s going to leave you to become an animated Japanese schoolgirl.

Something that can happen in a relationship, and I’ve seen real cases of, is that a person can seem to prefer porn to real sex, and even turn down sex to watch porn instead. In the cases I’ve personally seen where this has happened, though, the porn hasn’t been the problem; it’s been a symptom of the problem. Something was wrong in the relationship that made sex not very much fun, and the porn became more fun than the sex. The solution was not to get rid of the porn, but rather to fix the problem in the relationship.

That may be a subject for its own post, though.

As with anything else, the single best approach to dealing with questions or concerns about porn in a relationship is to talk openly with your partner about it. If you feel threatened or jealous because of the porn, say so. Even if you think the feelings are silly! “Look, I know that this is just my own insecurity acting up, but it still feels real to me, so can you reassure me that you’re not watching porn because you don’t think I’m attractive?” is a perfectly reasonable way to approach the conversation, if that’s the way you feel.

Similarly, if you’re concerned about the way that porn might change your partner’s expectations or sexual desires, talk about that too! Do so in a way that isn’t accusatory or blaming; after all, your partner isn’t the enemy.

And finally, another tool that can defuse problems around porn is to make it an activity that you can share together. There are places that specialize in “couples porn,” though personally I think it’s better (and more fun!) to talk to your partner about what you might like to see and what your partner might like to see and go from there; not all couples have the same tastes, after all.

Don’t worry if it seems like it might be awkward; everything new is awkward, after all. Don’t worry if you think you can’t make it through with a straight face; if you can’t laugh at cheesy dialog, what can you laugh at? And even if it is cheesy and silly, you might just find that it gets your motor running anyway, and turns into fun sexy time with your partner.

And who can complain about that?

No, not that kind of art! I don’t mean statues of the Venus de Milo in a museum somewhere, but a more interactive kind of art.

There is always a little bit of art in sex, at least when it’s good sex. Performance art, certainly; but also an art that makes beauty out of a shared connection. And sometimes, it’s kind of fun to make sex into art in a more literal sense.

One of the things I’ve come to love is having my lover draw on me. It’s easily done with Magic Markers, and there’s something surprisingly sensual and intimate about it. The feeling of my lover’s hands on my back, the slightly rough texture of the markers…it’s a lot of fun.

It doesn’t necessarily require any great artistic skill; the joy is as much, or more, in the doing of it than in the result. Though the result can, of course, be lovely as well.

For even greater intimacy, try finger paints! They are safe and non-toxic, and they’re a marvelous way to explore your partner’s body and really get the opportunity to feel your lover’s hands on you.